Teen dating violence: What to look for and how to prevent it

By their very nature, adolescents are vulnerable. They are moving out of childhood and toward adulthood, but first they must learn the lessons that come with being teens. One element of that growth is dating. And unfortunately that can sometimes mean confronting violence or other forms of abuse.

Teen dating violence is more than physically hitting another person. Any set of actions or words that are intended to hurt people are considered “violent.” This can take place in person or at a distance, through rumor or innuendo, or anonymously via social media posting.

Whatever the form, the most alarming fact about teen dating violence is that one in three U.S. teens reports being a victim of one or more of the following forms of abuse by a dating partner. Here are some examples:

• Physical abuse: Pushing, shaking, hitting, holding you down, throwing or breaking personal belongings, such as a cell phone

• Sexual abuse: Subjecting you to unwanted kissing or touching, pressuring you to have sex, making you feel guilty for not wanting sex, demanding sexually explicit photos or videos.

• Emotional abuse: Insulting you or calling you names, embarrassing you in front of others, accusing you of cheating, threatening to harm you or loved ones/pets, or exposing personal secrets.

• Digital abuse: Constantly tracking you online, calling, texting, direct messaging, telling you who can be your social media “friends,” directly or anonymously sending hurtful messages.

• Financial abuse: Stealing or coercing money from you, your family, or your friends; psychological aggression; using verbal and non-verbal communication, such as stalking, with the intent to harm you mentally or emotionally to hold and maintain control over you.

• Stalking: A pattern of repeated, unwanted attention and contact by a current or former partner that causes fear or safety concern for an individual victim or someone close to the victim.

In 2019, a CDC survey found that about 11 percent of teens reported being sexually assaulted by a dating partner, and almost 10 percent of U.S. high school students said they were purposefully physically hurt by a dating partner. About 20 percent of teens know someone who has been victimized by dating violence. The rate of abuse jumps for girls and LGBTQ teens. And these figures are likely higher, as a majority of assaults of any kind are not reported to authorities.

Some of the more immediate impacts these abuses may have upon victims include: depression and increased anxiety; use of drugs, alcohol or tobacco; antisocial behaviors such as lying, stealing bullying or hitting; and thoughts of suicide.

It is known that violence in an adolescent relationship sets the stage for future adult relationship problems. These researchers loudly warn that the long-term effects on victims of teen dating violence may continue for many years if not addressed.

What to do

For both parents and guardians and teens, the bottom-line is there’s no sure way to know if a teenager might suffer some form of violence at the hands of someone they plan to date. But parents, guardians and teens can and must confront this issue now before dating begins or gets out of hand.

We at CAV know it’s challenging for adults to talk seriously with teenagers, and that this topic may be especially challenging. But because dating violence is so common, these conversations are critical. Adults must commit themselves not only to open, honest communication, but also to role model healthy partnerships that are free of violence.

Here are some things to do to prevent teen dating violence:

• Be a role model, especially in your own relationship at home.

• Treat your children and others with respect and kindness.

• Be clear that any form of violence — verbal, emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual — is never acceptable.

• Let your teens know it is safe to talk to you about any concerns and learn to listen.

• Watch for signs that indicate victimization, such as changes in behavior, including falling grades,

avoiding friends, family or usual activities, making excuses for their partner’s behavior, and unexplained injuries.

• Watch for signs a teen may be abusive: a sudden violent temper, putting down their dates, showing extreme jealousy, preventing their dating partner from hanging out with friends and family, or frequently checking up to demand information about where and with whom their dating partner is.

As a community, we can reduce teen dating violence by acknowledging that it really happens, making extra efforts to talk about it, modeling safe behavior, and intervening when the signs of abuse show up.

Community Against Violence stands ready to assist in helping

teens, parents and guardians to deal with the potential and reality of teen dating violence. To talk with someone or get information on services available, call CAV’s 24-hour crisis line at 575-758-9888, text the 24-hour text line at 575-770-2706 or go to TaosCAV.org.

Joella Ann Montoya is the executive director of Community Against Violence, Inc. (CAV) which offers free confidential support and assistance for adult and child survivors of sexual and domestic violence, dating violence, and stalking; community and school violence prevention programs; re-education BIP groups for domestic violence offenders; counseling; shelter; transitional housing; and a community thrift store.