The importance of taking time for ‘recess’ in the grief process

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Dear Dr. Ted:

This last year I went through some difficult loss with the death of a loved one followed by a divorce. I have read many books, continued with therapy and am trying hard to work through my losses and grieve as consciously as possible. Sometimes I feel as if grief and working with my grief has engulfed me and may be a distraction from stepping back into life. Is there a chance I am overdoing this healing thing?

Thanks, Jane

Dear Jane:

When losses have happened in your life within a short period of time and compound on top of each other, it makes it difficult to categorize and work with any of your losses. It can also be difficult as history will often bubble up, causing other losses to be recognized or acknowledged in a time that most likely feels like your emotional plate is already full. Your message sounds like you are doing a lot to work with your losses and trying to step into your present life while healing. Asking yourself about the grief process and overdoing this work is a great insight that is always good to examine.

I hadn’t thought of the possibility of working so hard at grief that it could be a distraction from stepping into life, but it makes great sense and is a profound insight. Grief is supposed to be the process of redefining yourself into your present life and creating a new foundation for your life as it is today. But I can see how focusing so much on your historical loss and trying to make sense of it could cause you to become emotionally, physically and spiritually stuck in the past.

I do believe you need “recess” from any type of work, emotional or otherwise. To state this another way, being able to take a breath and have some space on what you are working on can allow you to develop new perspectives on your life, beyond getting the basic rest and rejuvenation that will help you see more clearly when you return to sorting through your grief and stepping back into life after suffering loss.

As a former tennis coach, I sometimes talk about muscle fatigue and the importance of resting the muscle after an exertion of power. In the case of tennis, I was talking about the grip on the racket, being conscious of squeezing on contact and releasing after the hit so that new blood and oxygen can flow into the muscle for another hit. I can see how grief and working with your losses could require that same release.

However, a key for recess in the healing process is to make sure it is healthy recess.

Part of the brain’s job is to remove you from discomfort. It can be tempting to do this through instant gratification, which can lead to addictive behaviors that will hold you back, rather than move your forward. Discernment

key here to find ways to allow yourself a recess where you maintain emotional contact with the world around you and remain conscious of your health. This can lead to a gentle flow of honoring your losses while integrating into your new world and situation.

Thank you for your insight, and I wish you well as you continue to work with the past and the present, finding ways to take a recess from the past while still honoring your losses and moving forward with the grief process.

Until next time, stay safe and take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat GWR@ newmex.com or call at 575776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.

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Ted Wiard