Loss of innocence: A difficult healing process

ASK GOLDEN WILLOW

The Taos News has committed to implementing a column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat, and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Dr. Ted:

Lately I was deceived by a friend and was amazed by my shock and sorrow. I didn’t know what to take of my feelings as they seemed to move in and out of some deep sadness, anger and disbelief. These feelings seemed magnified for the situation, as well. Does grief enter into this experience? Am I in a normal grief process?

Thanks, Jonathan

Dear Jonathan:

I’m sorry to hear about this deception you felt with your friend. Being deceived by someone you’re close to can change your perspective and perceptions of many parts of your life. When parts of your life that you have perceived safe are disrupted, we call this a “loss of innocence.”

Innocence allows you to be able to navigate your environment internally and externally. There are assumptions made each and every day in order to feel safe to live within the world. Most people wake up in the morning, believe their home is safe, get up, get ready for work or school and then set out about their day. There is an expectation they will also be able to return to that home at the end

Ted Wiard

of the day. You may expect the car to start and get you to your destination, that people will obey the traffic lights — that people you trust will remain trustworthy. When these assumptions of safety are disrupted, there is a loss, and the innocence or naivety that these things cannot change is taken away.

Loss occurs whenever your perception and foundation of how you define yourself and your surroundings are disrupted. Abandonment is an enormous loss, especially when it happens to a child. Abandonment issues often come from historical trauma, in which you feel left alone and unsupported by those you love or trust. In the mind, abandonment equals the potential of death.

In this circumstance, it sounds like when you felt deceived, your reality of safety and the foundation of that relationship was disrupted, leading to a feeling of abandonment. It would make sense that you have lost trust in that relationship. This experience can remind you of any former losses of innocence when you may have felt deceived or abandoned. This would explain why a single loss may feel magnified and larger than the current situation.

People will often disenfranchise themselves from a loss and push it down. But over time this leads to compounded and complicated emotions that are not as easily identified. Instead, they become a conglomerate of many different disenfranchised losses all joining together to demonstrate discomfort within your body and your unconscious. By honoring your loss and truly grieving (being conscious of your feelings as they arise), you can rebuild your perception of safety and continue to find trust and relationships, as well as find safety in the world once again. Remember that you may be healing historical abandonments in your life as you grieve the present event. Then the work involves gleaning any teachings from the event and starting to let go of the narrative. It’s important to never allow an emotional wound to dominate your present decisions and actions.

Honoring loss of all types will allow you to evolve and grow while releasing past events and taking forward the wisdom from the event. Loss and change can hurt and be difficult, but in the process of grief you are given the opportunity to not be captured in the past but become more conscious in the present.

Until next time, stay safe and take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat GWR@ newmex.com or call at 575776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.