Teaching by example is essential

I remember a scene from long ago when I was visiting a family. The mother grew tired of dealing with her 8-year-old son and said to him softly: “Jimmy, come here, Mommie wants to talk with you.” When he got close, she whacked him across the side of his face. “And I’ll do it again if you don’t behave.” I was shocked and wished I had said something to her at the time. But I didn’t.

I know some people think that if you spare the rod, you spoil the child. I’m not one of them. If you hit a child, you only teach him that the answer to any problem is a violent one. Or, worse, given the mixed message from his mother, he has learned not to trust anyone.

There’s a lot of criticism about teachers and schools these days, about what is taught or not taught. But the problem may reach back further than what schools teach or don’t teach. The question of what and how children learn begins at home long before early schooling.

Children learn ethics from the people who raise them, not just what they say but how they act. It’s not memorizing moral rules in childhood that lasts, but observing how adults, especially parents act. And when a parent says one thing and acts to the contrary, it sends confusing messages to children. It’s the old “do as I say, not as I do” mantra.

I’ve often thought the most important learning for children is from their parents, yet there is so little preparation or training that equips them to be good ones.

So how do you teach children morality?

First, make sure what you teach is how you live. If, for example, you want your children to treat others kindly, then you must treat them with kindness.

Second, use stories to teach moral rules or truths, not abstractions. If you want your child not to lie, tell them the story about the little boy who cried wolf so often to tease people that when a real wolf came along no one believed him.

Third, tell them stories and ask them to judge what should happen. It’s an old way to share moral truths. Tell them the story of a man robbed and left on the roadside. If they were passing by, what would they do? The ethical choice would be to stop and see how to help the injured man. But, beware — children may come up with responses that will startle you. A child once responded to me about the wounded man: “I wouldn’t stop because it looks like he was already robbed.”

The best time to deal with ethical issues is when something arises that requires learning. A child may have hit someone or stolen something. It’s called a “teachable moment.” Sit down with the child and let them respond to two questions. First, how would you feel if someone did that to you? And two, what would happen if everyone acted like you did? Then listen. The questions are given to help the child learn the consequences of his action, not your lectures.

There’s a very practical way to practice ethics, whether you are a couple or a family. I call it “table talk.” What this means doing is once a week, preferably the same day and time (rituals establish patterns), sit together around the dinner table. When you are done eating, light a candle and place it in the center of the table. Each person is given a few minutes to talk about whatever they wish. When everyone has had a chance to speak, anyone can speak about the what was said and what was learned. Your home becomes the school and each of you teachers.

To teach morality effectively to your children, please make sure you live by the principles you preach to them.

John C. Morgan is a writer and teacher. One of his books, “A LIttle Wisdom for Growing Up,” is a collection of fables or stories each with a moral that can be used as a resource for talking with children about ethics. It’s available on Amazon.