ASK CAROLYN
Ex who wanted to date others reacts badly when they find someone new
Adapted from an online discussion. Hi, Carolyn: Two months ago, my girlfriend of 18 months and I mutually broke up. We were generally happy, but there had been some recent stress in the relationship, much of it related to her moving 100 miles away six months ago. She felt we had been trending more toward being best friends than romantic partners, and she wanted both of us to have a chance to date other people. She was my first serious girlfriend, and she said I need to date others before deciding if she is the one for me.
We left the door open to getting back together some day, and stayed in touch by phone and text, saying “I love you,” etc. We said we’d tell each other about any romantic encounters, and she subsequently told me when she hooked up with someone. I was fine with it, because we broke up, after all.
But I met someone new. When I told my ex, she flipped out, accusing me of “replacing” her and saying she will hate me forever if I date this new woman. She now says she wants to get back together and I never should have agreed to the breakup.
This feels terribly unfair. I want to see where things go with the new woman. But – I feel guilty that my ex is upset. We have been through a lot together, a lot of it related to helping her work through past trauma. I don’t want to cause her more pain.
So is there any way I can date the new woman without feeling guilty? Do I need to cut off contact for a while? Or should I not be dating anyone right now, even though we broke up specifically so I could?
Feeling Guilty just means, if true, that she has other things complicating how she perceives things, how she may unwittingly undermine herself with her choices, and how intensely she reacts to difficult feelings.
I hope for her sake she is getting more official help with whatever it is.
Let her know – without apologizing that you are still open to healthy, freestanding friendship. Don’t engage in the hyperbole. After “I’ll hate you forever”type outbursts, say, “I’m sorry to hear that. I’m going now.” Click. Calm, unyielding, guilt-free (and relieved).
Readers’ thoughts:
Do not feel guilty. Feel grateful that you learned this person cannot be taken at her word and that you invested only 18 months in this relationship. Be kind, but don’t expect to remain friends.
This sounds like a classic warning sign of potential future abuse by the exgirlfriend (been there), as she’s already trying to control your new relationship and blaming you for the breakup. Don’t fall for it.
hhCarolyn at tellme@washpost.com.