In-laws stalk live stream for couple’s attendance at church

Hi, Carolyn: Our church started streaming its services online during the pandemic, and this continues today. My in-laws often watch the services together. They live far away, belong to their own church and attend services there regularly.

The problem is, they make snarky comments if they don’t see us on the video. “I see SOMEBODY slept in today,” or, “Ahh, you missed church … again.” They have even set an alarm on their phone to go off when our services start. It’s super annoying and downright stalkerish to me.

My spouse thinks they are just doing Old People [Stuff ] and it’s harmless, but I think they clearly have no boundaries if they scold their adult kid for missing services. I haven’t said anything to the inlaws (yet), but I feel like I will blow up the next time. Help!!

Stalked

Stalked: A planet where this is just “Old People [Stuff]” is not one I want to live on. Wow.

Plus, your spouse sounds ageist as [Stuff ]. Not to mention as adept at boundaries as one would expect with these parents.

Plus: Say nothing say nothing say nothing say nothing BLOW UP is not much of an improvement.

The boundary problem is the eyepopper here, but it’s also the easier one to fix. Discuss this as a couple, decide on your boundaries, then hold them.

To get there, though, you need to fix your communication problems – which are harder because you’re breaking your own bad habits vs. just boxing out someone else’s.

Start with your spouse, whose “harmless” diagnosis may be accurate (I disagree) but still doesn’t confer any obligation onto you. You find it intrusive, and you have agency. So take the time to figure out your position, then have the courage to articulate it. For example: “I find it intrusive. I am not OK with it.”

Then figure out what you are willing (and not willing) to do about it:

Do you want to tell your in-laws, once, that you find their behavior intrusive, infantilizing and inappropriate, and will no longer respond to comments on your church attendance?

Do you want to go nonresponsive to their comments without explanation? Do you want to identify a pew that’s outside the camera’s range, then tell your in-laws that hereafter, you will never sit anywhere in the church but that pew, so their live stream will yield them nothing but the excellent service?

Do you want to dig deeper for their purpose and redirect? They may, for example, be absolute crap at finding ways to connect with you, and this is their sad answer for that.

Then articulate that to your spouse. Come to an agreement. It can be a joint decision to respond a certain way.

Then communicate with your in-laws in the manner of your choosing that you will not tolerate trespassing into your business – whether you do this by standing up for yourself, letting their comments hit a wall, blocking their view, redirecting to ask what they thought of the sermon or whatever else suits you.

Email Hax at tellme@washpost.com.