No matter what you decide, think of the kids first

Dear Annie: I am 38 and have been with my husband for 18 years. We have built a wonderful life with great kids, but circumstances led to a separation. I was the one who wanted it. My husband is a good guy, but he just hasn’t been able to give me the love I want. He now says he’s willing to do anything to make this marriage work. But he’s promised that before, and after a short time, I am on the back burner again.

A few months ago, I ran into a man I hadn’t seen in years. He is divorced. One thing led to another, and, well, you can figure it out. Now, I have two really great guys in my life, and I want them both. My husband is a stable, sensible, great father. My guy friend is fun, sweet and the best lover I have ever had.

I know I am being selfish, and I feel guilty, but apparently not guilty enough to make a choice between them. How do I decide? --

Dear Milwaukee: There are children involved in this mess, and you should think of them. Ideally, you and your husband would work on this together and make your marriage stronger. It requires that you both get back into counseling, that he sticks to the plan and that you give up your boyfriend. If you are not ready to do that, please get a legal separation from your husband and put a custody and visitation plan into effect while you sort this out.

Dear Annie: I was recently invited to a small, informal engagement party. The invitation said, “No gifts, please,” so I followed that. But when I arrived, there was a table with quite a few cards, a bottle of wine and other small boxes.

My uncle is getting married soon for the second time. He is having the ceremony and a dinner at a local restaurant. His invitation also says, “No gifts, please, only best wishes.” But I would think people would be miffed if they received presents they specifically said they didn’t want. I don’t want to make the same mistake again. Is a card not enough? --

Dear Not Sure: When someone requests “no gifts,” that is exactly what it means. People who bring presents anyway are insecure about the request and feel they must buy something regardless. Of course, etiquette also says “no gifts” does not belong on an invitation because it implies that gifts are otherwise expected. If you insist on giving a present, we suggest a donation to their favorite charity.