Jeff wants to be your next LGov/ VPComSen

Attention Steve Sweeney, Steve Fulop, Jon Brammick, Kim Guadagno, Tom Kean, Jr., Ray Lesniak, Phil Murphy, and anyone else who is thinking of running for governor of New Jersey in 2017: Pick me as your lieutenant governor, a position I had to Google to spell correctly. (It’s not “lieutenent,” as it turns out.) Thankfully, the position is not about splleng; it’s about … well, it’s kind of undefined.

I mean, a few years back, I wrote a piece about our current Lt. Gov (or as the kids call the job, LGov) Guadagno. It wasn’t complimentary. In it, I pretty much said she does a whole lot of nothing. I got a call from her office. They told me all the things she did. I offered to write a second column, talking to her, spending a day with her, etc. They didn’t take me up on the offer.

But really, the job is nebulous at best. Basically, you serve under the governor without a defined role. The role is pretty much what the governor says your role is. I can imagine under Chris Christie, the role is pretty much “stay in my shadow.”

Additionally, the LGov has to have a cabinet position by law. Guadagno is the New Jersey Secretary of State, a job which sounds way more important than it is. The Department of State’s role, according to its website, is to “enhance the overall quality of life for New Jersey residents by advancing and supporting our state’s economic vitality, cultural and historical programs and civic engagement responsibilities.”

I mean, nebulous doesn’t begin to describe it, right?

So has Guadagno done a good job? THE BEST! Or the worst. Really no way of knowing.

But this is not about Guadagno; this is about me and how I want — nay, need! — to be the next LGov of this great state.

My cabinet position? Secretary of State is fine. I won’t be able to muck things up that much even if I tried.

But where I will shine, and where I will demand my voice be heard, is in the daily decision making at all levels of state government. I want daily updates on my desk, people. Problems at the MVC, for instance? I need to know about it. Why? Because I will solve them. How? Because I’m not an idiot.

Yep. Not an idiot. That’s my prime qualification for the job of LGov. Now sure, I might be immodest, smarmy, at times prickly, but an idiot? Nope. I feel as if I know how to handle things, specifically, how to handle things as they pertain to the average New Jersey citizen.

Because you know who has no flipping idea what the average New Jersey citizen wants? Virtually everyone in state government.

So to borrow an idea from Bill Simmons, the former ESPN writer/ now HBO star, my job as LGov would basically be the Vice President of Common Sense.

For instance, the MVC example. There have been long lines, and everything points to the new software system. So what does the state do? Blame citizens for waiting until the last moment to renew their driver’s licenses. As LGov/VPComSen, I’d SHUT DOWN THE SOFTWARE. THIS IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE YOU MORONS.

Or let’s say the Transportation Trust Fund has run dry. The state’ s basic response?A new gas tax. As L Gov/ VP Com Sen, I’d tell the legislature and anyone else behind this idea that they ARE NUTS and that they should FIND ANOTHER WAY, YOU DOLTS.

Or perhaps the state decides high school students need to pass the PARCC test in order to graduate high school, a test teachers, administrators, parents, and students universally loathe, a test less than half of students routinely pass? I’d probably take the Division of Education Chief Dunce David Hespe and DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU LIKE A FIVE-YEAR-OLD? I MEAN, REALLY, WHAT THE HOLY HELL?! ARE THERE TORTURE DEVICES AT THE READY?

See? I’d be very, very good at this. Really, it’s a job I was born for.

So Republican, Democrat, I don’t care. Doesn’t matter. Offer me the position, and I will accept. JEdel for LGov/VPComSen. Put that on a lawn sign.