20 things Phil Murphy needs to learn about New Jersey
Our next governor, Phil Murphy… actually, at this point, it all deserves capitalization: Our Next Governor Phil Murphy.
Because really, unless the Republicans find out Murphy is on tape boasting about grabbing some woman’s hoo-ha, this race is over before it’s begun. The GOP is saddled with Chris “Nobody Likes Me” Christie as the incumbent, and … well, and nothing. There seems to be no path for any Republican candidate right now
Except this: It’s possible Murphy pronounces “pasta fagioli” as “pasta fag-ee-oh-li.” I mean, the guy didn’t move to New Jersey until 1999 or so, and by then he was already filthy rich. He grew up in Massachusetts, a state every New Jerseyan both A) hates and B) has to Google to figure out how to spell. Bottom line: Murphy might make a few capital-J Jersey mistakes out on the campaign trail.
I’m here to help. We’re a tough crowd, Murph. Learn yourself some Jersey.
1) Pork roll or Taylor ham? Oh gosh, this one can get you in a pickle. But no matter what, always remember how to properly order one: “Pork roll, egg whites, mayo on untoasted pumpernickel please.”
2) As you’re no doubt aware, Bruce Springsteen is on par with many a religious deity here in the Garden State. As such, it’s important to know we all love his song, “57 Channels (And Nothin’ On.)” Always gets the crowd pumped up.
3) When driving through a traffic circle, it’s always best to stop somewhere in the middle and wait for someone to wave you in.
4) While you may be acquainted with the northern Jersey way of life, don’t forget about South Jersey, especially Eagles fans. Just so you know, they’re a cohort that is easily placated. Just say things like, “Dick Vermeil sucked” and you’re sure to win them over.
5) While no one likes paying property taxes, we understand the need. Raising them say, 20 percent or so won’t have a negative effect on your governorship. Not one bit.
6) Sauce vs. gravy? A battle without end. All we know is the best sauce comes out of a jar, not off the stove of some first generation Italian woman.
7) Pizza or tomato pie? Again, the battle will continue. Just remember: Knife and fork until you get to the crust, which you don’t eat.
8) Make sure to always greet other New Jerseyans with a hearty, “Hey, you’re from Joizey too?” and follow it up by asking them “what exit?” We love that.
9) We don’t go to the beach; we go to the shore. And once we get there, we share our bag of Fritos with the seagulls, especially on a crowded patch of oceanfront. We all love seeing those little birdies eat up close!
10) Toll booth operators enjoy friendly chit-chat.
11) A few more common pronunciations: “Mozzarella” is pronounced “motz-err-rella.” “Calamari” is pronounced “cali-maree.”
12) We strive to one day be like Staten Island.
13) Italian sub? Italian hoagie? Italian hero? Again, an argument you can’t win. And also again: Just add mayo, and no one will think you’re doing it wrong.
14) Nothing like an order of Disco Fries at your favorite diner. Just make sure you stand up and do the Hustle after you finish them! That’s a Jersey tradition, Murph!
15) People who live in the Pine Barrens think it’s hilarious when you make fun of them.
16) It’s true what they say: A bagel is only as good as the water it’s made with. And so when you get a so-so bagel, it’s perfectly acceptable to dip in quality water before you take a bite.
17) We’re all diehard Rutgers football fans.
18) OK, OK, you got me. I couldn’t even get through #17 with a straight face. We couldn’t care less about Rutgers football. Just seeing if you’re paying attention.
19) When we refer to “the city,” as in, “I’m taking my wife to the city for our anniversary,” we’re referring to Newark. And lastly … 20) We all know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy, you know? So follow these rules and you’ll be just fine.