I’ll leave New Jersey for Texas when pork roll freezes over

Hey Texas Gov. Greg Abbott: Go choke on some brisket. Go drown in some chili con carne. Go jump off a chimichanga.

I mean really: You think writing some op-ed in the Star-Ledger (and I’ve got some words for you guys too, hang on) telling people to move to Texas is going to fly?

Listen: I’ve long held a soft spot for Texas; to me, the state has always felt like New Jersey’s younger, dumber brother. After all, according to a Washington Post study, Texas is the 39th smartest state in the union (New Jersey is ninth, but we all know it’s because we don’t care about standardized testing). But for real — there is a giant similarity between the two states, and that similarity is pride. Texas has that big dumb pride — “We’re big! Whoo-hoo!” — whereas New Jersey has a more understated take on state pride — “Shut the eff up and get outta my way.”

But now? If you’ll pardon the Jersey cliche, fuggedaboutit. By penning a “Hey New Jersey residents, why don’tcha mosey on down to Texas, bless your hearts” column he makes Texans look like … Connecticuters or something. Basically, jackholes. Pride has turned into hubris.

“I’d like to throw a lifeline to businesses and families throughout New Jersey who are looking for greater economic opportunity and relief from high taxes. Come to Texas and be a part of our economic success story,” was the pitch Abbott gave us the other day.

It’s such a whiny little pansyass move.

Somebody send this guy the severed head of a pork roll, you know what I’m talking about?

Seriously. Can you imagine any New Jerseyan — never mind a governor — writing an open letter to residents of another state asking them to move here? Never. Not in a million years. In fact, we’re the opposite. We don’t want anyone moving here. Stay out. Can you think of anything worse than a horde of Texans descending on your town? Heaven knows we already have enough Cowboys fans around here.

Now granted, Abbott does make some points. It appears as if Texas is doing better economically than us here in New Jersey. But who cares. We’re not moving to Texas. Please. Maybe Pennsylvania. The Carolinas. Florida, obviously. But Texas? Come on. We’re New Jerseyans. We can never be Texans.

Thankfully, our Taxer-in-Chief, Phil Murphy, fired off his own oped, this one appearing in the Dallas News, where he tells Abbott he “won’t let anyone get away with taking a cheap shot at my state.” He then presented his list on why New Jersey is better than Texas, which was nice, and talked about things like education and gay rights and lower crime and better health care. Wonderful stuff.

You ask me though, it would’ve been more effective if Murphy just Instagramed himself taking a leak on a 10-gallon hat, but this is probably why I’m not Murphy’s communications director.

In short: Drop dead, Texas. Don’t come knocking when we enter the post-oil age, either.

And lastly, yes: What the hell, Star-Ledger? Why are you giving the Texas governor prime editorial space? It’s downright traitorous. You’ve become the Mata Hari of the New Jersey press corps. It would be like the USA Today giving Vladimir Putin space to pitch Americans on the benefits of moving to Chelyabinsk.

Next time you guys think of letting the sitting governor of Texas write a come-hither column to Garden State residents, why don’t you instead just let Pete Genovese write about the 10 best Texas wiener joints in New Jersey. Invented in Paterson, the Texas wiener. Just needed to throw that out there.

Jeff Edelstein is a columnist for The Trentonian. He can be reached at jedelstein@ trentonian.com, facebook. com/jeffreyedelstein and @ jeffedelstein on Twitter.