A visit from the Ghost of New Year’s Eve past
Weirdest thing happened to me the other night. I got a visit from the ghost of New Year’s Eve Past. It was me, at age 17. The following is the unabridged conversation. ME47 is current me, ME17 is past me.
ME47: Hey! Quit staring at my wife. ME17: She’s hot.
ME47: Yeah. But there’s more to that than “hot,” man. She’s smart. She’s funny. She’s a great mother. She’sME17: Hot! Nice dude! We rock! ME47: What do you want?
ME17: Just wanted to swing by and let you know about the rager I’m headed to tonight. It’s at Levine’s house. Hot tub! And I’m using my fake ID to get all the booze. Bud Dry for the guys, Bartles and Jaymes for the ladies! Totally hooking up with Theresa tonight!
ME47: Yeah, um, no. You’re going to not even try to hook up with her because you’re a weenie and you’re going to drink so much you’re going to end up puking back at our house after Dad picks you up. And then Dad is going to laugh at you.
ME17: No way man. I’m cool. Look at this mullet! And these giant glasses! And most of my acne is gone!
ME47: You talk a good game, son, but trust me: Nope. You’re doomed. In fact, you’re not even kissing a girl again until next year, after prom. After that, a little action in college and …
ME17: Stop it! Chicks dig me!
ME47: Well, once you stop referring to them as “chicks,” you’ll be OK. But really: What do you want? And again: Eyes up here. She’s sleeping. Stop perving out.
ME17: Just wanted to check in and see what future me is up to for New Year’s Eve! Make sure you’re not just going to be watching Dick Clark on the couch.
ME47: He’s dead. But anyway, no. I won’t be watching Dick Clark. I will be very tired at midnight, maybe three beers in, celebrating with whichever couples and their kids made it to midnight at my house, and quite frankly, I wish none of them did. I’m tired, as I mentioned. ME17: Huh?
ME47: We’re having like five couples and their kids over. Around 7 p.m. There will be hummus.
ME17: Hummus? That’s so gay.
ME47: Yeah, we’re not saying that anymore. ME:17: That’s retarded.
ME47: Nixing that one also. And you should know you’re going to have a daughter who needs extra help andME17: The future sucks.
ME47: You’re an ass. What about the “hot” wife you were so excited about earlier?
ME17: I don’t know man. Maybe I’ll just follow my dreams and crimp out this mullet and start a band, maybe open for Whitesnake one day.
ME47: Actually, you’re going to drop out of the University of Maryland after getting a .86 GPA your first semester andME17: Yeah right. Terps rule! No way I’m getting a .86 either. What other nonsense are you going to spew at me? ME47: Donald Trump is going to become president. ME17: Now you’re just being a douchebag. Can we still say that?
ME47: Kinda. Shortened to “douche” though. It’s all over TV.
ME17: You got cable?
ME47: Yeah.
ME17: Pay channels?
ME47: Yep.
ME17: I’m gonna go downstairs and watch Cinemax for a bit.
ME47: Get out of my house.
ME17: Happy new year!