Monkey sex, Sandy Koufax, and religion: My Yom Kippur sermon

Welcome to the only column you’re going to read today that touches on Sandy Koufax, religion, and monkey sex. Let’s just call this my Yom Kippur sermon. Again: Welcome.

OK: One of my favorite alltime factoids is this: Chimpanzees and bonobos share about 98.7% of their DNA with us humans, making these two monkeys our closest relatives in the animal kingdom. On top of that, about 1.6% of our DNA is shared only with chimps, and another 1.6% only with bonobos. To be clear: If you believe in, you know, science, we are part chimp, part bonobo, all human. Cool, right? Even cooler is this: Chimps are murderous little creatures, whereas bonobos tend to settle their differences with sex of all stripes. This is a wildly simplistic breakdown of the two species, but it’s true enough.

And now here’s the kicker: Aren’t we exactly a little bit of both? Settling our differences with murder or sex? Or, to kick those extremes down a notch or seven: With violence or kindness? We’re what happens when you mix chimps and bonobos and the opening scene to “2001: A Space Odyssey.”

Which brings me to religion (of course), probably the most extreme example of something humans have concocted that most closely resembles the dichotomy of chimps and bonobos. (Just stick with me. I promise.)

Really: Come up with something in the course of human history that has caused more violence on one hand, more kindness on the other. At it’s best, organized religion has not only given humanity a purpose here on Earth, it’s also and continues to be - a ridiculously major source of kindness. Of course, there’s a flip side to this. Religion has also caused a ton of violence and associated misery through the years.

And there is no decision quite as personal as to what you believe when it comes to religion.

As for me? I’m not anti-religion, and I’m not pro-religion. I’m agnostic on the whole God thing. I want to believe, but I don’t, and so here I am. I take a big “who knows?” shrug-of-shoulders on the whole issue. I’m Jewish by birth and I consider myself Jewish-American by culture (the same way someone considers themselves Italian-American or Irish-American, not sure how to explain it, except that’s the way it is).

But when it comes to the religion part of being Jewish? I uh … well, it’s complicated. Basically, I have an impossible time going to synagogue being that I’m - as stated earlier - agnostic. I don’t believe, I don’t not believe. I just am. And so the idea of “pretending” to be an observant Jew hurts my maybe, could be-soul. I don’t “pretend” in my day-to-day life to be something I’m not - what you see is what you get, pal-o-mine - and to “pretend” to be an observant Jew is not something I’m particularly interested in doing.

Which is a big cause of consternation for me once a year, today, on Yom Kippur. It’s the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, a day of atonement, a day of fasting. It’s serious. And I don’t go to synagogue. I should go, I should be a “good son” and a better Jew, but … I’m not. Doing so would be a major breach in my do-or-do-not belief system.

But you also won’t find me at work today. Sandy Koufax wouldn’t pitch the opening game of the 1965 World Series, and you won’t see me typing or hear me talking or watch me teaching today. Not because I believe, but because so many others do, and I want to be respectful of them. After all, I’ve got probably 100 generations of Jewish behind me. I may not be a subscriber to the religious aspect, but I’m part of Team Jew. It stings a bit - I would’ve been on NJ101.5 this morning, and that’s a few bucks not going in my pocket - but sitting today out is is (quite literally) the least I could do on this high holy day.

(OK. Now watch this. I’m going to tie this all together. Buckle up!) (I shoulda been a rabbi.)

Chimps smash, bonobos smush. Humans do a bit of both, usually not to such extremes, usually on a violence-kindness continuum.

Religion is humankind’s most dichotomy-ish creation on the violence-kindness continuum.

I have found a happy-ish place - for myself - when it comes to religion: I don’t believe, I don’t not believe, but I am respectful of mine - and yours - and his - and hers - and their religious beliefs.

I’m not a chimp when it comes to religion.

I’m not a bonobo either.

I am, instead, human, a place we should all aim for when it comes to religious beliefs.

(Did I stick the landing there? Too much? I don’t know. Feels grand, but it a good way. And to my fellow better-than-me-by-the-book Jews out there: Have an easy fast.)