Alabama's new coach won't cuss? Say these phrases instead
This is the point in the football calendar when the really big news unfolds. Such as …
Former Texas Tech defensive back Tyler Owens told reporters at the NFL scouting combine he doesn't believe in outer space and that the flat-earth idea holds merit. If you're curious, Owens earned his degree in university studies. I'm not entirely sure what that degree entails, but I suspect it is different than a degree in space studies or astronomy.
In other “news” … Alabama coach Kalen DeBoer explained during a Wednesday interview with The First Round why he embraces positive reinforcement rather than cussing.
That sounds commendable, but, hold up … an SEC football coach who doesn't curse? Jeepers! That's something you don't encounter regularly.
Some would consider DeBoer's aversion to swear words refreshing. Others probably find it odd. I call this is an opportunity for linguistic creativity.
Out with the same cuss words every Nick, Kirby and Brian use. In with more refined ways of expression.
If DeBoer ever feels at a loss for expression, I suggest these exclamations that steer clear of four-letter words.
Poopy pants! – This can be used to express disgust or displeasure. For instance, Hugh Freeze could've exclaimed this after fourth-and-31 in the Iron Bowl.
Tide Phooey! – Here's one to convey disappointment. Say a five-star recruit flips his pledge from Alabama to Auburn ... Tide Phooey!
Oh my stars! – This is a personal favorite, an exclamation I borrow from my uncle, Eric. This line is appropriate at a moment of shock or frustration. Like, say, after the Kick-Six.
Bollocks! – Some Brits might consider this cussing, but here in the States, it's much more refined than a four-letter word. Use this exclamation to express that what you've just heard is nonsense. Auburn is a sleeper team for the College Football Playoff? Bollocks!
Yee-yee! – Cuss words are used for more than frustration or surprise. When you need to express pleasure, try this sanitized exclamation. Jalen Milroe keeps a play alive and flicks a touchdown pass against Georgia … Yee-yee!
What the fullback?! – You wake up one morning to learn your star safety is transferring. You want so badly to curse, but that's a no-no. Reach for the popular acronym, but with a football twist – what the fullback?!
Codswallop! – Here again, the Brits did the hard work for us. This is another option to convey disbelief or derision, like after a ref at Neyland Stadium throws a
flag for pass interference to negate what would have been a game-clinching interception.
Righteous! – A god-fearing man fits into the South like grits, moonshine and country music. When your agent calls to say you landed the Alabama job, here's just the word to express delight.
Dirty bird! – I credit my grandpa for introducing me to this phrase used to express frustration or disgust. Say a linebacker lays a cheap shot on your slot receiver after an incomplete pass over the middle. That dirty bird!
Rot in Auburn! – I have no dog in the Iron Bowl fight. Auburn seems charming enough to me. But, Alabama's coach isn't allowed to think so. So, when DeBoer gets really peeved, he can tell a flag-happy ref to rot in Auburn.
Blake Toppmeyer is the USA TODAY Network's SEC Columnist. Email him at BToppmeyer@gannett.com and follow him on Twitter @btoppmeyer.