Friend’s long-ago abuse brings on questions now

DEAR AMY » About 15 years ago (in high school), a close friend of mine was sexually assaulted at my house during a party I hosted while my parents were away.

It happened overnight in the guest room by a then-trusted boy (a platonic friend) from another school.

I remember her calmly waking me up that night asking if she could sleep in my room. The next day the boy was gone, and she told me what had happened. Our assessment at that time was: “Ugh, what a creep!” She told me she’d gone home after the party and had to take several showers. A few weeks later he dropped by our school and she ran to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet.

Despite all of this, I never asked her about it, and I now feel terrible.

We’ve remained close over the years. We were bridesmaids in each other’s weddings and had our children in the same year. Although we visit each other several times a year, our communication between visits tends to be limited to brief texts to plan the next visit.

About a year ago, my family and I were at her home when I noticed that she had a book on overcoming trauma.

I immediately thought of that night in high school. Now I think about it all the time. I’m wracked with guilt that it happened in my house, that I didn’t do more, and that I never asked her about it.

Should I ask her about it, and if so, how? I don’t want to bring up painful memories for her in order to alleviate my own guilt.

— Bad Friend DEAR BAD FRIEND » Your plaintive question is yet another example of how the impact of sexual assault ripples outward. Sexual assault has been much in the news lately, not because it is happening more often, but because we are finally talking about it!

Yes, you should talk to your friend. When you don’t know how to say something, you can start with: “I’m not really sure how to say this ...” You do not want to offload all of your feelings of guilt. You DO want to create a safe space for her to say whatever she wants to say, including, possibly, “I really don’t want to talk about this.”

Because you two do not maintain regular verbal contact, send a text: “Hey, I have something I want to talk to you about. Can you set aside some time so we can have a private call?”

Tolerate some silence. Tell your friend, “I love you; you are important to me. I hate the fact that you were hurt.” If she says, “Oh, I never think about it,” then you can respond, “Well, I’ve felt bad about this for a long time, and I hope you’re OK.”