Brother’s rantings about safety of mom have consequences

DEAR AMY » About a month ago, at the start of the pandemic restrictions in our area, I was talking with my brother by phone and he voiced concern about my husband’s work, which he believed might expose our mother to the COVID virus.

She lives close by, and we visit one another quite often. My husband, although an essential worker, has little to no contact with others while he works. He always showers and puts his clothes in the laundry whenever he gets home, before he greets me or the children.

My brother, believing that these efforts weren’t enough, proceeded to shout at me at the top of his lungs, accusing me of everything from not caring about our mother’s health, to not listening to him.

My husband and kids were in the next room, so I told him I would talk to him later when he calmed down, and then I hung up.

For the next three days he sent aggressive and threatening texts and emails; eventually I blocked his number.

My mother’s view is that “this is just how he communicates.” She wants me to let it go.

I’m fine with letting it go, but that doesn’t mean I want to continue to communicate with him. This is not the first time he has done this.

When it comes to family events in the future, how should I handle interactions with him?

— Had Enough DEAR HAD ENOUGH » Hopefully, you will — we all will — have family events in the future.

The law of natural consequences states that the natural reaction to being berated is to avoid the person who is berating you. If your brother has reasonable concerns to share, he should find a reasonable way to express them.

People are panicking right now. Your brother no doubt feels powerless. This doesn’t absolve him of the need to behave respectfully, however, and now — he has lost access to you.

Do not involve your mother in this conflict. He is her son, and she will defend his behavior in order to try to resolve this conflict between her two children.

In the future, you should approach every contact with your brother as an opportunity for a fresh start. If he can’t move forward, and chooses to try to relitigate this issue with you at every turn, then you will know that he is simply not ready, or able, to start over.

DEAR AMY » You asked how people were spending time productively during our national confinement: I took up genealogy. Talk about a fascinating way to spend these long days!

— Satisfied DEAR SATISFIED » Every leaf on every branch of every family tree contains a story. This is a really nice “legacy project.” Good for you.