Chance discovery changes everything at home
ikar AMY >> I just found a box of condoms in my husband’s sock drawer. The manufacture date was 2015.
They weren’t for our use because I went through menopause long before that, and we haven’t used condoms in 20 years.
I am fairly sure that my husband had an affair 15 years ago, although he always said that “nothing physical happened.”
Given the “business trips” that were never paid for by his company, I doubt he was being honest, and from that experience, I know that he can look me in the eye and tell me a bold face lie.
I feel sick, lost, and helpless right now.
I have been a great wife and mother, and he has never wanted for emotional or physical love. I am not sure where to turn next.
— Lost and Alone
DEAR LOST AND ALONE >> I’m so sorry you are going through this turmoil. There is no lonelier feeling than losing trust in your partner, with the growing awareness that you might be living with a person who suddenly seems like a stranger to you.
You say you don’t know where to turn, and before you turn to your husband to confront him with your suspicions, you should research your legal rights and responsibilities (and perhaps meet with a lawyer), in case you — or he — will ultimately choose to leave the marriage.
Educating yourself in this way does not mean that you are giving up on the relationship, but it will empower you to face this possibility, and give you an idea about your more practical options.
Yes, you should assume that he will deny this, or come up with an explanation or excuse for having recently purchased condoms.
When you have this conversation, listen to your own body; pay close attention to your own instincts concerning his behavior. Trust yourself, even if you don’t trust him. Do not take this as a referendum on what kind of person, wife, or mother you are — his choices are not your responsibility, and they are not your fault.
A couples’ counselor would help you walk through your own feelings and reactions, and could work with you and your husband together, if you and he choose to try.
DEAR AMY >> I felt for “Heartbroken in Dallas,” whose partner left just after he had recovered from cancer.
I found that the one thing that brought me through a heartbreak was music. It has mysterious, but effective, healing powers. — Been There DEAR BEEN THERE >> Music rearranges emotions, moods, and a person’s outlook. Great suggestion.