Neighbors overhear verbal elder abuse

DEAR AMY >> Our house is about 20 feet, wall-towall, from the next house.

Pre-pandemic, we only knew our next-door neighbors by name and exchanged occasional greetings.

The neighbors are an elderly gentleman, being cared for by his elderly daughter. She had mentioned that her father suffers from dementia. Her father is physically impaired and dependent on a walker.

Since reducing our world to the confines of our house and backyard, we hear the daughter screaming at her father at the top of her lungs, almost daily, very early in the morning.

While we can’t hear every word, she uses epithets and sounds verbally abusive. He is visited by a home health care aide several times a week. Despite the health care visits, we think we may be the only people who know about this behavior, other than father and daughter.

Is there anything you would recommend that we can do to help them?

We fear anything we say could make it worse.

— Worried Neighbors

DEAR WORRIED >> Every state has a mandated office of Adult Protective Services (APS). APS a social service program authorized by law to receive and investigate reports of elder or vulnerable adult maltreatment, and to intervene to protect the victims.

Please call and report exactly what you know. A social worker will follow up.

You are witnesses to this abuse, and you must make the call. A case worker will assess the situation, and if they need more help or respite care, they might be able to receive it.

An internet search will reveal the APS office closest to you.

DEAR AMY >> I’m so sad. My husband says he doesn’t want to be in our marriage anymore. He states that my mood and ways of reacting to situations are not what he expected. We’ve been married for 22 years now and lately he can’t seem to tolerate me.

He had a rough childhood and thinks that he might die young. He says he doesn’t want to spend whatever time he has left with me.

I’m so very hurt. Do you have any advice for me?

— Sad Soul

DEARSAD>> I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please, if at all possible, find a counselor to talk to. If your husband refuses, go to sessions on your own. Also, talk to your most compassionate and understanding friend or family member.

Your husband sounds depressed. Has he received upsetting news about his health recently? Has the ongoing pandemic triggered sudden concerns about his own mortality? Is he having a mid-life meltdown?

Sometimes, when someone wants to leave a relationship, they will create a smokescreen to obscure the real reasons they want to leave. “Everything you do bothers me” is a way of saying, “It’s not me, it’s you!”

I suggest telling your husband, “I want to work on our relationship. I want to help you through this. I know I can’t force you to stay in this marriage, but please don’t try to destroy my self-esteem in the process.”