Parents ponder grandmother's babysitting

DEAR AMY >> My husband and I have two boys under the age of two.

We operate a successful business from home, so we only need childcare for an occasional break or date night.

We sometimes use a sitter, but our preference is to ask one of the grandparents to watch the children.

My (working) mom is always eager to watch the kids.

My (retired) MIL rarely asks to take them and when she does, often cancels at the last minute.

Because of this, we tend to ask my mother to watch the kids more often.

My MIL has let us know how much this upsets her. She's now using social media to “track” when the boys are with my mother.

She will show up at our home enraged that we did not ask her to be with the children.

She found out we used our sitter to go to dinner this past weekend and told us how awful we are for not asking her.

Amy, she had broken her hand and foot in a fall the week before; we thought we were doing her a favor by letting her heal and rest!

We've tried explaining, we've told her that her behavior is pushing us away.

My husband confronted his mom yesterday and it led to an argument. She will not listen to reason and refuses to acknowledge her behavior.

I want my children to have a relationship with her, but the amount of stress it causes almost isn't worth it. Please help!

— Tired Mom of Two

DEAR TIRED >> Some of your MIL'S behavior points to problems beyond being difficult or reactive. Regardless, you and your husband have tried the rational approach.

It seems that your only remaining option is to actually deliver some consequences.

Despite the way she may perceive her rights and privileges, grandparents don't have an automatic right to be with their grandchildren, certainly when both parents are alive, together, and making reasonable choices regarding the best interests of their family.

I hear from heartbroken grandparents every day who are denied access to their grandchildren, and who wonder why.

In your case, you have understandable and valid reasons not to have this volatile woman spend time alone with two very young children.

I suggest that you let her know that she is welcome to visit your household to see the children when you are home — but until her behavior stabilizes and she treats you with respect, she won't be spending time alone with them.

Also, your mother and others who are with your children should NOT post about the kids' whereabouts on social media, until the kids have returned home. Nor should they post any photos of your children, or identify them, without your express permission.