Lessons in forgiveness and thanks

These days, gratitude and forgiveness seem in short supply. To lower the collective temperature, I present a few thoughts about forgiveness and thanks.

First, they are the same thing. That might seem implausible but think about it. The action in each is directed toward someone else, yet the purpose is for ourselves. Both release obligations. By being grateful for what we receive, we embrace it as our own, releasing ourselves from an obligation to someone else, while forgiveness sets someone else free from what we perceive as an obligation to us.

The results are identical, each providing a sense of peace, happiness and a more positive outlook. What differs are the triggers. We give thanks when we consider what someone did for us to be “positive” and we forgive what we consider “negative.” It makes sense then, that changing our perceptions can transform forgiveness into thanks (or vice versa).

Forgiveness is releasing an obligation to the past. That does not mean denying nor changing what actually happened, merely accepting it as one part of my whole, not allowing it to hijack the entirety of who I am.

We don't forgive because:

• We feel unworthy of forgiveness

• We feel the person we are forgiving is unworthy

• We don't know how

• We don't want to. Let's start with the first barrier. Perfectionism is a common trademark of black and white thinking, “I'm awful or I'm perfect.” Since it's unattainable, its pursuit can only lead to an everlasting feeling of inadequacy. To overcome that, refrain from terms such as “good” or “bad.” After all, a trait considered detrimental in one situation is helpful in the next. Is not “impatience” also a component in the drive to succeed? Do not “soft boundaries” blend into “compassion”?

Learning to accept myself for whom I am today, not who I plan to be “someday” is a key to selfforgiveness. Our lives are the result of good intentions, even if sometimes those objectives did not translate into positive actions. Honor the intentions without denying the results. We are judged not by our absence of imperfections, but by the positive traits we possess.

Oft times, we feel someone else is unworthy of our forgiveness, a gift we withhold because the transgression was so heinous that condoning their behavior feels at odds with remaining true to our values. I cannot forgive you because you so violated me that, in essence, I lost part of ME; no longer whole.

How is that forgiven?

In those situations, we have mistakenly equated forgiveness with behavioral approval. In actuality, forgiveness is about my emotions, not their behaviors. When I re-focus from “what you did” to “how I feel about what you did,” I re-take power over my emotions and can focus on healing. By doing so, I begin to recover that which was emotionally robbed from me. Elsewise, I will continue to be victimized, experiencing the anguish regularly and repeatedly, allowing the torment to continue; giving the perpetrator power over me without end. Do not equate forgiveness with weakness; it requires inner strength to direct my feelings. Said Gandhi, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

At times, I want to forgive, however, I understand that I am not yet far enough along to know how.

Since forgiveness and thanks are two sides of the same coin, I change my perception to the flip side of forgiveness — thanks. Instead of focusing on the event that caused the suffering, I give thanks for the pleasurable times before that moment. There must be some, after all, I would not have been involved in that relationship if I had not been receiving something positive from it. I concentrate on happier times, allowing those memories to expand and fill my consciousness, giving thanks for what was done for me, not to me. The sadness and the pain do not vanish, yet their weight is lightened, providing a sense of strength; an essence of forgiveness.

Finally, as for not wanting to forgive, remember there is no deadline. We have a desire — almost a need — to understand why things happen to us NOW, immediately to make sense of nonsense, order from chaos. In reality, our yearning for immediate understanding conflicts with our need to process. This push-pull can be overcome by realizing “NOW” is a relative time, consisting of no concrete beginning or ending. When the time is right, I accept I will move forward.

These are difficult and confusing times. Adding love and compassion into the mix makes it easier to handle these days. Forgiveness and thanks are two simple, powerful methods to do so.

Scott “Q” Marcus is the CRP (Chief Recovering Perfectionist) of www. Thistimeimeanit.com and the founder of the inspirational Facebook Group, Intentions Affirmations Manifestations. Want more positive messages and ideas? Sign up for his free semi-monthly newsletter at www. thistimeimeanit.com/ signup.