The Rule of 5 — Avoiding arguments
Even if intentions are positive, if the person receiving that intent does not want help, they will feel pressured, unintelligent, and defensive — perfect ingredients for arguments. To avoid this, consider the “Rule of Five”
Let's walk through a scenario to see how good intentions can escalate into a full-blown argument.
Suzanne comes home from a long, exasperating day at work emotionally drained, physically tired and wanting nothing more than a hot bath.
Robert, her supportive husband, greets her, “Hi Sweetie, looks like you've had a rough day. What's up?”
Suzanne wearily replies as she plops her purse on the couch, “I had a miserable day. Everyone was cranky, we're shortstaffed, and the boss and I got into it.”
Robert, wanting to help, suggests, “Did you two talk it out?”
“No, it was already 5; I just wanted to get home,” she responds.
Says Robert, “Your boss needs to know your side.”
“I know,” she says, “I'll tell him tomorrow. I don't want to think about it right now.”
“Isn't he there until 6? You could call him now.”
“I don't want to deal with it now.”
Robert, concerned she is avoiding the issue, presses onward, “Are you sure that's wise? It'll only take a minute.”
“It can wait until tomorrow.”
“I disagree,” he says. “It's always best to fix these immediately. I'll call him for you.”
“Robert, I appreciate your help, really; but just let me relax, OK?”
“Tell you what, you call him. I'll make dinner and then we can both unwind. How about that?”
Raising her voice, Suzanne responds, “I'm a grown woman! I know what to do. Just leave me alone for a few moments, OK?”
Robert, hurt and angry, replies to the back of Suzanne's head as she's exiting the room, “Wow, see if I try and be supportive again!” He storms into the living room, clicks on the TV and mopes. Suzanne goes to the bedroom and collapses onto the bed — alone. Despite Robert's sincere desire to help create a warm environment, the night ends in a chilly frost; both parties are angry and isolated.
What went wrong? The main problem was Suzanne was not “broken.” She made decisions she felt were appropriate and didn't feel the need to adjust. Robert, however, not wanting to see his wife upset, wanted to help. When Suzanne's ideas clashed with Robert's intentions, the result was an explosion.
How to use the Rule of Five
Consider each statement, question, or comment to count as one transaction.
The three keys to a peaceful, yet still supportive, exchange are:
1) Stop before you reach five transactions
2) Ask questions before volunteering solutions
3) Leave the door open for further communication
Let's re-visit Robert and Suzanne and see the “Rule of Five” in action.
The situation begins as before, but this time, Robert asks, “Anything I can do to help?” (Note: this is Transaction #1. He has asked to help but is not volunteering advice.)
Suzanne replies, “No, I just want to be left alone.” (Transaction #2.)
Robert understands that sometimes people say they don't want help because they don't want to be a burden. Therefore, he repeats the question, “You sure? I'd be glad to help if you need anything.” (That is Transaction #3, basically, a restatement of Transaction #1. He is not pressuring, just letting her know that he was sincere. By restating the question, she might also hear it differently, and it gives her time to reconsider — should she want to.)
Suzanne replies with Transaction #4, “No, I'm going to take a bath.”
Here is where the Rule of 5 kicks in. If Robert pushes onward with Transaction #5 by offering help yet again, it is no longer about trying to be supportive; instead, it is about subconsciously saying she's not smart enough to handle it on her own. In this instance, he zips his lip, closing with, “OK. I'm here if you need me. Let me know if I can do anything for you.”
Robert continues about his evening or changes the subject (possibly with a hug for Suzanne). She gets to unwind and bring up the subject later (if she chooses). Both get a peaceful evening because the relationship is now balanced.
Remember, before you try and “fix” something that does not need fixing, remember the old joke:
“How many Boy Scouts did it take to help the old lady across the street?” “Ten — she didn't want to go.”