Neighbors fret about divisive flag

DEAR AMY >> We've been living next door to a very good neighbor for almost 30 years. “Charles” is helpful and friendly, and we genuinely like him.

His political views are 180 degrees different than ours.

Until now, it hasn't been an issue, as we have plenty of other things to discuss (gardening, family, etc.), and we have kept our views to ourselves.

The problem is that he has hung a large flag (replacing the worn-out original with a new and even bolder model) a few feet from our backyard fence. This flag contains a message representing ideals which are abhorrent to us.

No profanity — just divisive and hurtful implications. I don't think it's an intentional attack on us or anything like that.

We cannot avoid seeing and hearing it flapping in the wind any time we're in our yard. It extends to about 10 feet from the ground, so it can't be blocked from view. (No other neighbors can see it.)

Visitors to our home have commented: “What do you think about that flag?” “I could get rid of that for you — haha,” etc.

My husband and I don't want to lose Charles' friendship or ruin what has been a good relationship for years.

But this is very upsetting to me — a constant reminder of the ugly divisions in our country.

I find myself avoiding my own yard (and feeling bad toward my neighbor). What's your advice?

— Torn

DEAR TORN >> You don't provide any details about this flag — nor do you say what your personal politics are — and so I am determined to envision this issue from a wide spectrum.

(I'm proceeding on an assumption that this flag doesn't contain words or a symbol that might incite violence, but that it represents ideas or values in direct opposition to your own.)

You also don't seem to have ever asked your neighbor if he could move the flag to another location in his yard, so it wasn't flapping so distractingly close to your own.

We live in a country where everyone is free to let their freak flag fly, and where people like you and your neighbor can live cordially and peacefully side-by-side — each free to express themselves, or to stay quiet, if that is what you prefer to do.

Your options are to fly a flag or banner of your own, to express your own views directly or indirectly through a multitude of media, or to exercise your own freedom to keep your own thoughts to yourself.

I can't tell you how to feel, but you might feel differently if you were able to re-frame this. “Tolerance” is a challenge to tolerate others' freedom of expression, even if you find their actual views abhorrent.

And so when friends ask you what you think of your neighbor's flag, you can say, “Well, every day when I see it, I'm forced to appreciate the First Amendment. So — God bless America!”