Estrangement doubles down on divorce

DEAR AMY >> My wife's nephew “Chris” is going through a divorce.

Chris and his wife “Jan” have two children.

Jan has always had a positive relationship with our family.

Their divorce has been a cordial parting of ways, but my wife's family now wishes to ghost Jan.

I feel bad ghosting Jan, but I risk alienating my wife and her family by being cordial.

I feel like calling her to express my sadness that I can't talk to her, and that I hope she understands, but even that would seem risky.

I don't think being estranged for no good reason is healthy, and I feel bad about it.

Common sense tells me to stay out of it, but can you say something that will make me feel not so bad about it?

— Middled

DEAR MIDDLED >> Unfortunately, I can't help you to feel better about your wife's clan's choice to deliberately initiate an estrangement.

If they succeed, “Chris'” children will be forced to continually split their time and attention, not only between their two parents, but now extending into other generations.

For instance, they will learn that they won't be able to tell one set of grandparents about experiences with the other set. They will train themselves never to mention their mother in front of their father's family.

And thus the emotional editing begins.

Furthermore, if your wife's family would punish you for simply being kind and cordial to “Jan,” this reflects extremely poorly on all of them.

“Circling the wagons” following a break-up is expected. Families will show loyalty, and in my opinion, this is mainly demonstrating supportive behavior during a challenging time.

I certainly hope that Chris will actively discourage this “ghosting,” however.

Nor should you play along.

No, you should not contact Jan to tell her you're sorry you won't be able to speak to her. This would only insert you into their drama.

Yes, you could contact her to say that you're sorry that this break-up is happening, that you always enjoyed her presence in the family, and that you hope she and the children do well through the process.

If your wife and her family confront you about this, you can simply remind them that you are an adult and that they are not in charge of you.