Sister dynamic remains family secret

DEAR AMY >> I am a retired older woman. I've been chained to my sister “Janet” my entire life.

We were treated as one person growing up and were expected to share everything.

I believe our relationship was extremely unbalanced because I did all of the sharing, and Janet, the taking.

Janet grew up to be arrogant and thoughtless. She always felt she was the most beautiful person in the room.

I married young and had a family and career, she in turn had a career, multiple marriages and no children.

I have a lot of anxiety when I remember how badly she treated me.

I never told our parents how she behaved when we shared a dorm room in college. I don't believe in betraying confidences, even if I am the victim. My family was unaware of her games.

I helped Janet through her multiple divorces, did her homework in college, helped her find a career and always invited her to join me on vacation. She never reciprocated.

On our last vacation with my family, she secretly played her entitlement over me when we shared a room.

I do not want to continue being her only friend and companion.

We do not live near each other, and I am thankful for that.

She is very rude and overbearing, but my family is not aware of how she has treated me or others.

I am not going to “tattle” on her; I just want her to go away.

How can I get her out of my life without becoming the bad person?

— Bullied

DEAR BULLIED >> My first suggestion is that you should never share a room with your sister. You've had a lifetime of negative experiences in that regard.

My second suggestion is that you draw out that distance to limit your contact with her altogether.

As a chronically oppressed person, you also seem to be oppressing yourself, essentially following up on your sister's bullying by treating it like a secret that must be kept. “Tattling” is what children worry about. Telling your own truth (or acting in your own best interest) is adult business.

You have adopted the idea that a victim speaking out represents some sort of betrayal to the family system that created and supported this dynamic.

If you can't bring yourself to confront your sister, then you should at the very least limit contact with her. Refusing to share a room with her on family vacations would be a start.

If she asks why, you can tell her that you're simply tired of tolerating a family dynamic that you can't seem to change. It's time for you to take better care of yourself.