Breaking up with boyfriend is a challenge
DEAR HARRIETTE >> I'm facing a dilemma and could really use your advice. I want to break up with my partner, but I feel indebted to him because of his kindness. He has always been incredibly kind and considerate toward me, going out of his way to make me feel loved and appreciated. However, I recently realized that our long-term compatibility is questionable. Despite his kindness, our differing needs and goals have become apparent. Breaking up feels challenging because I fear hurting him after all his kindness. I don't want to take his kindness for granted or seem ungrateful, but I also want to prioritize my own happiness. How can I approach this situation? Is there a way to express gratitude for his kindness while making it clear that I need to prioritize my own well-being?
— Sense of Indebtedness
DEAR SENSE OF INDEBTEDNESS >> Pause to consider what you want for your life long-term. How do you want to spend your time when you are not working? What would you appreciate doing with a partner? What kind of support do you most need to feel happy? What qualities are important for your partner to have? How do you want your partner to react during a crisis or difficult moment?
Now, more specifically, you have already said that your partner is kind. What does his kindness look like? What does he do that makes you happy? What annoys you? Where are the two of you in sync and out of sync? What exactly do you mean by your differing needs and goals?
Assess these things to see if you are being fair to him and what you want from him. A partner is not supposed to fulfill every need. You should have friends and activities that are independent of your partner. Evaluate whether adding dimension to your life in some other way might solve your problem or if he truly is not the partner for you. If he is not, your kindness will be letting him go rather than misleading him into believing that you want to be with him for the long haul.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.