Wife isn't proving to be a good roommate
DEAR AMY >> I've been married for 30 years, I believed happily.
My wife was never demonstrative emotionally, but I believed that we loved each other.
Three years ago, she told me that she was no longer interested in sex, and didn't see that changing. This was a surprise to me, but the one rule of our sex life that she always insisted on was that we not discuss it.
We saw a counselor, and it helped with other communication issues, but after a year, she said she still “doesn't see anything changing.”
We still live together, we're still friendly, we have a young adult child who hasn't left home yet, but there is no physical contact between us, no matter how casual or innocent.
She didn't offer as much as a pat on the shoulder when I got laid off, or when I took our elderly cat to the vet to be put to sleep. She just went about her day as usual.
She's always been very private with her emotions, but I used to be the one she opened up to, and now I'm not. She says she just doesn't feel emotions very strongly anymore, and she's fine with that.
I've done lots of research and reading, and the prevailing opinion in cases like mine is: “Your marriage is over; you should leave.”
But I don't want to leave! I love my wife, and I very much enjoy the life we've built together. At my age, I can't imagine trying to start over.
I keep coming back to the conclusion that the only real problem is that
I still want a sexual relationship, and my spouse doesn't. I can ignore it for months at a time, but I can't banish it completely. If I could just get rid of that, I think my relationship would be fine.
Am I kidding myself?
— Devoted Husband
DEAR DEVOTED >> You have described a relationship devoid of kindness, caring, meaningful communication, or any kind of emotional or physical intimacy.
The relationship I share with my regular server at the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru seems more deep, rich, and satisfying than your long marriage (hi, Kaytlin!).
You describe this emotionally empty marriage, and yet you've fixed on the lack of sex as the only missing ingredient. But, from your description, everything is missing.
Your marriage does seem over, but if you love your wife, your home, and the life you two share, you should hang in there with your unemotional and unsupportive roommate, and perhaps pursue occasional sex elsewhere.
Given that she doesn't seem to care and that she “doesn't see anything changing,” I doubt your wife would oppose this plan.
I hope you will stick with therapy. A therapist will not tell you what to do, but this would be a safe space for you to discuss your options and your feelings about your options.