The Union Democrat
Grandson needs unconditional love from ‘Papa’
DEAR ANNIE: My 30-year-old grandson is incarcerated right now on charges of drug possession and shoplifting. This is one of many drug possession charges he has faced in the past two years, and he has multiple court cases coming up in November. While I have done everything I can to support and help him, nothing has worked. His behavior has caused a lot of grief and pain to me and my daughter. He stopped talking to me a couple of months ago, and it really hurts me. I'm at a loss as to what to do at this point. I'm seeing a counselor right now, which helps. GRIEVING PAPA
DEAR GRIEVING PAPA: I'm so sorry about your grandson. One of the toughest pills to swallow is that we can't help people who don't want to help themselves. Stay close to your daughter and continue to show your grandson your unconditional love.
Hopefully, one day he sees the light.
DEAR ANNIE: I have been married for the past 15 years and have three children (one adult, two teenagers). I cheated on my husband 10 years ago and have apologized, and I thought we had worked through it.
My husband is not perfect. He has problems with alcoholism and has had multiple DUIS in the past and even spent time in jail.
I am at a breaking point. He is still throwing the cheating in my face daily. He is upset because his grown children have a lot of memories of him yelling at them. He says he yells at them because he is angry at me. My husband does not trust me, and I have no friends and never go out or do anything on my own. However, he can go out whenever he wants.
He says that he is just going through the motions to get through the day. I said if he is still that angry and dwelling on the past, then we should get a divorce because that is no way to live. He says if we get divorced, then no one wins, and the kids will be affected. I'm not sure how much more of the berating and verbal abuse I can take. I feel like a prisoner in my own home with nowhere to turn and everything I do is wrong. Please help. STUCK
DEAR STUCK: It sounds like your husband has some deepseated issues with anger and alcoholism. It's a bit of a chicken-or-the-egg scenario — a toss-up as to which came first — but one is surely adding fuel to the other's fire.
Yes, you broke a marriage vow. But it sounds like you're willing to work hard at repairing the relationship, looking forward rather than dwelling on the past.
Your husband, on the other hand, is keeping you both trapped in an arrangement where nothing is addressed, nothing is overcome and nothing is resolved. He clearly cares about his family — but he never processed the betrayal he felt from your cheating, nor is he able to cope in healthy ways. Find a couples therapist you both like to address the root of the problem.