Should mother include estranged daughter in will?
DEAR ANNIE: In 2010, I discovered that my husband of 47 years had been in touch with a woman who he had a long and intimate relationship with before we met. She had a child three months before we met and wanted him to marry her but he refused because he had learned that she was also intimate with someone else at the same time.
When I confronted him with the information about this, he lied to me.
Long story short, it turned out that he had visited and slept with this woman at least once in the 1970s, after we had three children. He visited her again in 2009 because she had contacted him, and they talked frequently on the phone, allegedly about her concerns about her daughter’s problems. The three of them met for lunch, and he gave the daughter a very large amount of money.
For at least two years, I felt like a tidal wave had swept through my life. Of course, we separated, and I had several years of counseling. He had four counseling sessions. But I could never bring myself to get a divorce for several reasons, one being my age.
I don’t think the counseling was much help except for someone to talk to about how I was feeling. Ultimately, time heals the wounds, but I still haven’t forgiven, even though we’ve been living together again since 2016.
BETRAYED
DEAR BETRAYED: Therapy doesn’t always give us the happy ending that we want. What it does give us are the tools to cope with overwhelming emotions and the skills to articulately communicate in our relationships. Don’t underestimate the value of having someone to talk to about your feelings.
Yes, time heals all wounds, but counseling can often expedite the process. Continue to talk through your emotions and evaluate your relationship in therapy. It’s never too late to start a new chapter.
DEAR ANNIE: I’m writing to ask your opinion about whether I should include my estranged daughter in my will. She accused me of something very vile that never happened and spread it throughout the family. She also broke her younger sister’s heart for another reason. I have a grandson I’m not allowed to see, and communication with my daughter is nonexistent.
I have moved 1,000 miles away to avoid the drama. Since I’m no longer welcome in her life, should I even consider her when I die? — DEVASTATED IN ALABAMA
DEAR DEVASTATED: Wills are a bookend to human life and can include sentimental information addressed to cherished loved ones. If the relationship you have with your daughter doesn’t fit that mold, you should not feel obligated to include her in yours. If you’re serious about not including her, though, you should write something specific to that effect so that it’s clear her exclusion isn’t an oversight but an intention.
Your daughter sounds troubled, and you were wise to move away. At the same time, try to stay open to the possibility of a reconciliation, perhaps starting with your grandson, if that is even possible. If you can talk to your daughter with love and forgiveness in your heart -- recognizing that she is in pain -- it is always possible that things will unfold so that you will find a totally different answer to the question of your will.