Husband no longer feels the need for intimacy
DEAR ANNIE: I’ll be married for 25 years this coming June, 30 years together. My husband is great, but he is not interested in sex anymore. He told me, “It’s just not important to me.”
I’m in my mid-40s and am desperate for intimacy and affection. But aside from that, I enjoy my family dynamics. I don’t want to break that up for my own selfish needs. My kids would be sad.
I have talked to my husband about this many many times to no avail. I asked for an open marriage, and he will not commit to that. My question is, do I live the rest of my life without any physical intimacy? Should I ask for a divorce, which I really don’t want? Should I find intimacy elsewhere and hope for the best? I need direction. We already tried therapy and had his testosterone checked. A bit of advice would be appreciated. — STARVING WIFE
DEAR STARVING WIFE: First and foremost, it’s important to validate your own needs for intimacy and affection. These are fundamental aspects of connection and well-being, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling a loss in your marriage.
I would have your husband investigate this problem further with his doctor; loss of libido could be the symptom of a variety of physical or mental health issues, or it could be the side effect of a medication he is taking. I would also continue with couples counseling — sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find a therapist who is the right fit — to help you two communicate about this sensitive matter.
The prospects of an open relationship or a divorce are both lifealtering decisions; it’s important that you communicate openly and rule out any health issues before venturing down either path.
DEAR ANNIE: I have a 47-year-old daughter who will not speak or have anything to do with me because I’m not in her religion. This has affected me greatly since her kids, my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren live on her land. She has forbidden me to come near her or her children.
How can I get around this? I was at one time in the religion but was disfellowshipped because of smoking. I am in the process of quitting but even if I do, the collateral damage has been done. My grandkids don’t call or come see me. Please advise what to do. Thank you. — UNBELIEVER
DEAR UNBELIEVER: This sounds like a cult and not a traditional religion. If they use words like “disfellowship,” something seems off.
But since you were once in the religion, then we’ll assume it is not a cult from which she needs deprogramming. It’s important to recognize that you cannot change your daughter’s beliefs or decisions. However, you do have agency in how you respond to the situation and how you choose to move forward.
Your best hope for reconciliation is through open and honest communication. Reach out to your daughter in a calm, nonconfrontational manner, expressing your desire to make amends and emphasizing your love for her and her children. Be willing to listen to her perspective and validate her feelings, even if you don’t agree with them.
It’s also important to find sources of fulfillment outside of your family relationships. Cultivate hobbies, interests and connections that bring you happiness, and lean on your support network for encouragement.