Wry­day the 13th: Movie re­plots

The Washington Post Sunday - - DIVERSIONS - BY PAT MY­ERS

To cel­e­brate Week 1300, go­ing with the de­bat­able premise that “13” in a film ti­tle sig­ni­fies that some­thing will re­ally mess up, we asked you to “13” a real movie and de­scribe the plot. 4th place Pinoc­chio 13: The first wooden pres­i­dent finds his arms are too short to pick his nose. (Mark Raffman, Re­ston) 3rd place Snakes on a Plane 13: The wouldbe as­sas­sin is foiled when a gate agent ques­tions his “emo­tional sup­port viper.” (David Peckarsky, Tuc­son) 2nd place and the He­brew Ben & Jerry’s Tshirt: Bad News Bears 13, Wash­ing­ton Na­tion­als 6 (Ken Gal­lant, Se­quim, Wash.) And the win­ner of the Lose Can­non: Ba­sic In­stinct 13: Sharon Stone un­crosses her legs, flashing her De­pends. (Dave Ma­tuskey, Sacra­mento) Gaf­fers: Hon­or­able men­tions All Quiet on the Western Front 13: German sol­diers in World War I look up and watch their ace pi­lot bat­tle a fly­ing dog­house. (Dun­can Stevens, Vi­enna, Va.) Taxi Driver 13: Travis Bickle finds a wel­com­ing work en­vi­ron­ment at Uber. (Mark Raffman) 13 Dal­ma­tians: The re­main­ing pooches will stop at noth­ing to avenge their 88 lit­ter­mates who didn’t es­cape Cruella de Vil’s fur coat fac­tory. (Bill Dorner, In­di­anapo­lis) An­i­mal House 13: New pledge Brett Blu­tarsky, a stu­dious young man from Wash­ing­ton, just pumps iron and “works his tail off.” (Rob Huff­man, Fred­er­icks­burg) The So­cial Net­work 13: In­stead of pre­sent­ing the en­tire movie, the pro­jec­tion­ist shows you, in ran­dom or­der, the parts of the movie that he thinks you will like best. (Ward Kay, Vi­enna, Va.) Casablanca 13: Ilsa can’t es­cape to the United States be­cause of a hastily passed travel ban for trav­el­ers from Morocco. (Dun­can Stevens) Casablanca 13: Rick gen­tly but firmly pushes Ilsa into the plane, in­sist­ing that “Re­ally, Paris was enough,” as his “spe­cial friend” Louis looks on. (Rob Huff­man) Casablanca 13: Ilsa thought she would al­ways have it, but the 4.2ounce bot­tle of Paris Eau de Par­fum doesn’t get past se­cu­rity and the plane leaves with­out her. She re­grets it that day, the next, and for the rest of her life. (Kevin Dopart, Wash­ing­ton) Be­ing There 13: An ag­ing sim­ple­ton with a child’s un­der­stand­ing of the world is pre­sented as a pres­i­den­tial can­di­date — and wins! (Dave Airozo, Sil­ver Spring) Seven Plus Six: Af­ter work­ing his way through the Seven Deadly Sins, so­ciopath John Doe jus­ti­fies more bizarre mur­ders by ty­ing them to the Six Hurt­ful Sins, in­clud­ing for­get­ting an an­niver­sary and leav­ing the toi­let seat up. (Peter Boice, Rockville) Sin­gin’ in the Rain 13: A soakedthrough Gene Kelly is left with a less than glo­ri­ous feel­ing as he catches a nasty cold. (John McCooey, Re­hoboth Beach, Del.) Speed 13: Our hero must defuse a bomb on a mov­ing Seg­way with­out let­ting it dip be­low 5 mph. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) The Lit­tle Mer­maid 13: As Ariel saves the Prince from the sink­ing boat and is tak­ing him to shore, a large fin ap­pears be­hind them . . . (Dave Pre­var, An­napo­lis) 13 Shades of Grey: His promis­cu­ity hav­ing fi­nally caught up to him, Chris­tian Grey ex­hibits symp­toms of mul­ti­ple vene­real dis­eases. His urol­o­gist has never seen any­thing quite so . . . col­or­ful. (Bill Dorner) An­i­mal Crack­ers 13: Cap­tain Spauld­ing is back from the dead, and he wants his pa­ja­mas back. (War­ren Tan­abe, An­napo­lis) Apollo 13 13: Dur­ing Elon Musk’s Beastly made of re­cy­cling: cow-dung A pa­per, jour­nal and a dog chew made of beef “piz­zle.” maiden voy­age, his ego be­comes so big that it per­fo­rates the space­ship’s hull, ne­ces­si­tat­ing a dan­ger­ous res­cue. (Steve Hon­ley, Wash­ing­ton) Bee Movie 13: Jerry Se­in­feld riffs for 72 min­utes about how the number 13 looks like the let­ter B. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) 13 Pretty in Pink: Prom turns into a brawl when 13 girls turn up wear­ing the same pink dress. (Jane Auer­bach, Los An­ge­les) Butch Cas­sidy and the Sun­dance Kid 13: The boys head down to Venezuela and rob banks, but no­body cares be­cause the cur­rency is worth­less. (Dud­ley Thomp­son, Cary, N.C.) E.T. 13: A se­vere al­ler­gic re­ac­tion to peanuts ends young E.T.’s life as it eats some candy left for it by the well-mean­ing El­liott. The boy grows up racked with guilt, send­ing reams of hate mail to Reese’s ex­ec­u­tives. (Jeff Shirley, Rich­mond) Hair 13: The shin­ing gleam­ing stream­ing flaxen waxen goes bald. (Lawrence McGuire, Wal­dorf) Iron Man 13: Tony Stark falls prey to a vil­lain­ous plot when he or­ders a new suit and agrees to get the rust­proof­ing. (Jesse Frankovich) Man­hat­tan 13: The film ends abruptly when an old creep is fi­nally busted for so­lic­it­ing a minor. (Jeff Con­tom­pa­sis) Mary um­brella Pop­pins tears, 13: she When reaches Mary’s ter­mi­nal (David Young, ve­loc­ity Fal­mouth, in 5.6 sec­onds. Mass.) Poc­a­hon­tas re­turn to Eng­land 13: She with agrees John Smith to and Par­lia­ment, be­comes but a mem­ber her her­itage of is ridiculed “high cheek­bones.” by King James (Kevin as just Dopart) Field of Dreams 13: A farmer gets hauled be­fore the Dy­erville, Iowa, zon­ing com­mis­sion for build­ing an unau­tho­rized recre­ational fa­cil­ity. (Dun­can Stevens) James Bond 13: James meets a woman named “Oc­to­pussy” and . . . never mind. That’s just TOO stupid. (Todd DeLap, Fair­fax) Last Tango in Paris 13: At ex­actly the wrong time, Mar­lon Brando finds the re­frig­er­a­tor is empty. (Mark Raffman) Lady and the Tramp 13: Tramp loses in­ter­est af­ter An­i­mal Con­trol rounds him up in a trap-neuter­re­turn pro­gram. (Jeff Con­tom­pa­sis, Ash­burn) Psycho 13: Nor­man Bates’s sta­tus as a Korean War vet­eran fi­nally gets ver­i­fied, and he be­gins the process of sub­mit­ting pa­per­work to Vet­er­ans Af­fairs seek­ing treat­ment for men­tal ill­ness. (Bill Spencer, Cock­eysville, Md.) Raiders of the Lost Ark 13: In­di­ana Jones finds the elu­sive ark, only to dis­cover that all it con­tains is the re­mains of Mil­lard Fill­more. (Steve Fa­hey, Kens­ing­ton) The Sound of Mu­sic 13: Af­ter flee­ing the Nazis and set­tling in the United States, all is well with the von Trapps un­til Stephen Miller dis­cov­ers they once sought pub­lic as­sis­tance in 1945 and de­ports them all back to Aus­tria. (Frank Mann, Wash­ing­ton) Still run­ning — dead­line Mon­day night, Nov. 5: Our ne­ol­o­gism con­test in which you re­place two let­ters with two other let­ters. See wapo.st/in­vite1303.

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