Wryday the 13th: Movie replots
To celebrate Week 1300, going with the debatable premise that “13” in a film title signifies that something will really mess up, we asked you to “13” a real movie and describe the plot. 4th place Pinocchio 13: The first wooden president finds his arms are too short to pick his nose. (Mark Raffman, Reston) 3rd place Snakes on a Plane 13: The wouldbe assassin is foiled when a gate agent questions his “emotional support viper.” (David Peckarsky, Tucson) 2nd place and the Hebrew Ben & Jerry’s Tshirt: Bad News Bears 13, Washington Nationals 6 (Ken Gallant, Sequim, Wash.) And the winner of the Lose Cannon: Basic Instinct 13: Sharon Stone uncrosses her legs, flashing her Depends. (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento) Gaffers: Honorable mentions All Quiet on the Western Front 13: German soldiers in World War I look up and watch their ace pilot battle a flying doghouse. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) Taxi Driver 13: Travis Bickle finds a welcoming work environment at Uber. (Mark Raffman) 13 Dalmatians: The remaining pooches will stop at nothing to avenge their 88 littermates who didn’t escape Cruella de Vil’s fur coat factory. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) Animal House 13: New pledge Brett Blutarsky, a studious young man from Washington, just pumps iron and “works his tail off.” (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg) The Social Network 13: Instead of presenting the entire movie, the projectionist shows you, in random order, the parts of the movie that he thinks you will like best. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.) Casablanca 13: Ilsa can’t escape to the United States because of a hastily passed travel ban for travelers from Morocco. (Duncan Stevens) Casablanca 13: Rick gently but firmly pushes Ilsa into the plane, insisting that “Really, Paris was enough,” as his “special friend” Louis looks on. (Rob Huffman) Casablanca 13: Ilsa thought she would always have it, but the 4.2ounce bottle of Paris Eau de Parfum doesn’t get past security and the plane leaves without her. She regrets it that day, the next, and for the rest of her life. (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Being There 13: An aging simpleton with a child’s understanding of the world is presented as a presidential candidate — and wins! (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring) Seven Plus Six: After working his way through the Seven Deadly Sins, sociopath John Doe justifies more bizarre murders by tying them to the Six Hurtful Sins, including forgetting an anniversary and leaving the toilet seat up. (Peter Boice, Rockville) Singin’ in the Rain 13: A soakedthrough Gene Kelly is left with a less than glorious feeling as he catches a nasty cold. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.) Speed 13: Our hero must defuse a bomb on a moving Segway without letting it dip below 5 mph. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) The Little Mermaid 13: As Ariel saves the Prince from the sinking boat and is taking him to shore, a large fin appears behind them . . . (Dave Prevar, Annapolis) 13 Shades of Grey: His promiscuity having finally caught up to him, Christian Grey exhibits symptoms of multiple venereal diseases. His urologist has never seen anything quite so . . . colorful. (Bill Dorner) Animal Crackers 13: Captain Spaulding is back from the dead, and he wants his pajamas back. (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis) Apollo 13 13: During Elon Musk’s Beastly made of recycling: cow-dung A paper, journal and a dog chew made of beef “pizzle.” maiden voyage, his ego becomes so big that it perforates the spaceship’s hull, necessitating a dangerous rescue. (Steve Honley, Washington) Bee Movie 13: Jerry Seinfeld riffs for 72 minutes about how the number 13 looks like the letter B. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) 13 Pretty in Pink: Prom turns into a brawl when 13 girls turn up wearing the same pink dress. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid 13: The boys head down to Venezuela and rob banks, but nobody cares because the currency is worthless. (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.) E.T. 13: A severe allergic reaction to peanuts ends young E.T.’s life as it eats some candy left for it by the well-meaning Elliott. The boy grows up racked with guilt, sending reams of hate mail to Reese’s executives. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond) Hair 13: The shining gleaming streaming flaxen waxen goes bald. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf) Iron Man 13: Tony Stark falls prey to a villainous plot when he orders a new suit and agrees to get the rustproofing. (Jesse Frankovich) Manhattan 13: The film ends abruptly when an old creep is finally busted for soliciting a minor. (Jeff Contompasis) Mary umbrella Poppins tears, 13: she When reaches Mary’s terminal (David Young, velocity Falmouth, in 5.6 seconds. Mass.) Pocahontas return to England 13: She with agrees John Smith to and Parliament, becomes but a member her heritage of is ridiculed “high cheekbones.” by King James (Kevin as just Dopart) Field of Dreams 13: A farmer gets hauled before the Dyerville, Iowa, zoning commission for building an unauthorized recreational facility. (Duncan Stevens) James Bond 13: James meets a woman named “Octopussy” and . . . never mind. That’s just TOO stupid. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax) Last Tango in Paris 13: At exactly the wrong time, Marlon Brando finds the refrigerator is empty. (Mark Raffman) Lady and the Tramp 13: Tramp loses interest after Animal Control rounds him up in a trap-neuterreturn program. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn) Psycho 13: Norman Bates’s status as a Korean War veteran finally gets verified, and he begins the process of submitting paperwork to Veterans Affairs seeking treatment for mental illness. (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.) Raiders of the Lost Ark 13: Indiana Jones finds the elusive ark, only to discover that all it contains is the remains of Millard Fillmore. (Steve Fahey, Kensington) The Sound of Music 13: After fleeing the Nazis and settling in the United States, all is well with the von Trapps until Stephen Miller discovers they once sought public assistance in 1945 and deports them all back to Austria. (Frank Mann, Washington) Still running — deadline Monday night, Nov. 5: Our neologism contest in which you replace two letters with two other letters. See wapo.st/invite1303.