The Washington Post Sunday

Deck the LOLs: Holiday parodies

- BY PAT MYERS

In Week 1306 the Empress asked for songs about things in the news lately, set to a Christmas, Hanukkah or New Year’s tune. As always with our parody contests, the results were phenomenal. See many more (like “Mistress Time Is Here”), including some videos, in the online Invite at wapo.st/ invite1310.

4th place To “Good King Wenceslas”:

Sulking Donald Trump looked out On a bleak November, When world leaders stood about. The Great War to remember. Gently fell the rain that day, On their solemn meeting. In his room Trump chose to stay, Eating steak and tweeting. All the leaders gathered there Called him out together. “Does he think his precious hair Won’t survive the weather? Therefore, Mr. Trump, be sure, You’ll look vain and snooty If you let your prized coiffure Keep you from your duty.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

3rd place To “Winter Wonderland”

Send the troops! It’s a crisis! Don’t look now! Here comes ISIS! I hear they were seen With MS-13 Walking in a migrant caravan. It’s a huge, huge invasion! None of them are Caucasian! Get under your bed! There’s people to dread Walking in a migrant caravan. Don’t you know my brand of elocution Stresses that the boogeyman is near? Let some lawyer cite the Constituti­on. I’m content to rant and monger fear. Build the wall with a doorway In case some come from Norway. We’re going to gas Bad hombres en masse Walking in a migrant caravan. (Bob Kruger, Rockville)

2nd place and the toilet ornament: To “Let It Snow”

Though the Saudis arranged a killing And the evidence is chilling, Don’t want to offend them, so Let it go, let it go, let it go. Yes, the prince said, “Khashoggi ceases,” And they cut him into pieces, Does that mean we blame them? No! Let it go, let it go, let it go! Though the folks at the CIA Say the hit order came from the crown, Mr. Trump says that that’s okay If they keep oil prices down. True, it’s naughty to kill a critic, But let’s not get analytic, Who’s responsibl­e? Who can know? Let it go, let it go, let it go. (Max Gutmann, Sunnyvale, Calif.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon: To “Frosty the Snowman”

Toss me the dough, man, there’s a mistress with a tale, She’ll describe your groin — better give some coin, Keep the tabloids off her trail. Toss me the dough, man, there’s a chick we need to pay, Says she spanked your bum, dude, but she’ll keep mum, We’ll just need an NDA. There surely is some magic when we spread around the bucks, We squelch the stories from the broads that the Donald goes and makes love to. Toss me the dough, man; we’ll make sure these seeds don’t sprout. Pay a trifling fee, and you’ll be home free, ’cause we’ll never get found out. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Failz Navidad: Honorable mentions To “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing”

Crack! went Alex Smith’s right leg, Like the breaking of an egg! Victim of a vicious sack So gruesome all our jaws went slack. More than halfway through the season, Playoffs still were within reason. ’Skins held first; fans held hopes

The flip side of this bottle opener promotes a funeral home.

high, Just to see those chances die. Playoff hopes now aren’t worth beans: Smith smashed his leg to Smithereen­s. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

To “The Dreidel Song”

I have a feeling hate’ll Be ladled out today, When Trump’s upset and fretting, A spate’ll come our way. He’ll bray, he’ll bate, he’ll prate, he’ll Berate, and he’ll inveigh, Then once we’ve been diverted, he’ll cause a new melee. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

To “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”

Writing a Christmas parody In the age of Donald Trump, Everyone dancing merrily While I’m feeling like a grump. Writing a Christmas parody Doesn’t bring a happy smile While there are folks on my TV Tiki-torching to “Sieg heil!” I just can’t write entertaini­ng lyrics when I hear: “We will have so many great times While we’re out committing hate crimes!” Writing a Christmas parody When there’s just one thing to say: May we still have democracy By the next Election Day. (Barbara Sarshik, McLean) Still running — deadline Monday night, Dec. 17: The Year in Redo, Part 1 — enter contests from Week 1255 through Week 1281. See wapo.st/invite1309.

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PAT MYERS/THE WASHINGTON POST

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