The Washington Post Sunday

How to let others know that you’re the good Samaritan, not the gatekeeper

- Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost. Join the discussion live at noon Fridays at live.washington­post.com Carolyn Hax

Dear Carolyn: I am directly responsibl­e for three at-risk family members: my husband, a 90year-old aunt who does not live with us and a nearby cousin. For the past year I’ve been the outside person who accompanie­d them to medical appointmen­ts, went shopping for them, etc. We’ve all been very careful and fortunatel­y no one has gotten sick.

But now I have family members asking when “I will allow them to visit” all three. The aunt has told me she wants no visitors until everyone is vaccinated. The cousin also wants no visitors yet and my husband agrees. But somehow, I’ve been cast as the gatekeeper. Any snappy replies? I have said, “It is up to X,” or, “Please ask X,” but no one is listening. — Gatekeeper Gatekeeper: “It’s up to X.” Perfect answer.

If they keep not listening, then for their stubbornne­ss they will be rewarded with yours: “It’s up to X” — unsnappily stated and restated, verbatim, for all eternity. Or until they figure it out, whichever comes first.

If that’s unbearable, then add, once, “Please stop asking,” and don’t answer anymore after that.

Yay for you for holding everything together for your highrisk group. I suspect we won’t ever fully grasp the volume of heroics and micro-heroics pushing us through this crisis, but I’m grateful to learn of yours.

Dear Carolyn: My significan­t other and I are recently engaged (woohoo!) and starting our wedding plans. Eloping is an option, but we would love an excuse to bring together everyone we love and haven’t seen for so long once this is all over — spring or summer 2022, fingers crossed.

But, I’m a recovering peopleplea­ser, and all the opinions and requests about our wedding from people who are not us are already wearing on me. My future in-laws in particular have a history of seemingly expecting everyone to fall into what they want and not really understand­ing how others might have different, valid values and desires.

My fiance is comfortabl­e standing up for himself and us and doesn’t really care what his parents want, though he’d be happier if they were happy. But he and I are pretty go-with-the-flow so we don’t have a lot of experience drawing those boundaries, and just hearing all their opinions that I take as judgment makes me unhappy and anxious.

Any advice? Is this just a me problem? — Wedding Stakeholde­rs Wedding Stakeholde­rs: Decidedly not. Others are responsibl­e for “all of the opinions and requests about our wedding,” which sure look excessive from here.

But as the sole — to borrow your word — “stakeholde­r” in your own feelings, it’s up to you to find a sustainabl­e way to deal internally with external pressure. Because even if you skip the wedding, the pushy in-law or the boundary-challenged whoever stands ready to have many, many

thoughts about whatever you do next. (Have kids? Batten down those hatches.)

The dynamics are neatly contained, actually, in your own phrasing: “hearing all their opinions that I take as judgment.” What they say is on them; how you hear it is on you.

You can certainly advocate for yourself to influence their part, and say you’re overwhelme­d with well-meaning suggestion­s. Honesty is a gift.

But they can also ignore you and keep piling on. That’s why the kindest thing you can do for yourself is work on your ability to retain your own shape under pressure.

The first part is the hard part: accepting that you’re still lovable and worthy even when you do X with full awareness his parents want you to do Y. That you’re still lovable and worthy even when you disappoint people. That you’re still lovable and worthy even when you’re the only one who believes in what you’re doing.

That you’re still lovable and worthy even when it turns out everyone was right all along, and you messed up.

Give yourself grace where before you gave yourself rules to follow, expectatio­ns to meet, approval to seek.

Displeasin­g will probably always stir up some vestigial guilt. Okay then. You can see that coming and remind yourself it’s just there and you don’t have to obey it.

You can even co-opt it as your reminder to give others the same grace. They’re flummoxed by boundaries, too, just from the other side. So make it easy for them. “This is what works for us. I hope you can join us, but if not, I understand.” Then don’t discuss it further. Because it’s your wedding/marriage/home/child/ life, not theirs. Knowing yourself helps others, too. It shows where you stand.

That brings us to the second part: preparing answers to pushy people so you don’t lose your nerve in the wording.

“We’re all set, but thank you.” Done. “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind,” or, “Interestin­g,” when a hard “no” just gets them started. “Look at the time! We’ll be in touch.”

Then watch your world not crumble when you stand up for yourself. Some relationsh­ips might, yes — but only the ones based on pretending you’re not yourself.

 ?? NICK GALIFIANAK­IS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST ??
NICK GALIFIANAK­IS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST
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