I ranked 100 Christ­mas songs. Here are the worst 10.

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If you are in me­dia long enough, there comes a year when you will be forced to rank some­thing. Now it is my time. So I took the lib­erty to rank the 100 hol­i­day songs be­ing foisted upon us from Most Es­pe­cially Heinous to Best. I present here the 10 worst of­fend­ers:

91. “Lit­tle Saint Nick.” You know, I should like this song. There’s some­thing frus­trat­ing in not lik­ing some­thing that is en­tirely made up of com­po­nents you like. “A Beach Boys song, about Christ­mas? Great!” “Will they do any­thing to make it sound like any­thing other than a nor­mal Beach Boys song? Ab­so­lutely not!” My in­abil­ity to en­joy this frus­trates me more and more with each lis­ten.

92. “I Saw Mommy Kiss­ing Santa Claus.” Love adul­tery!

93. “The Chip­munk Song.” This song is de­signed to be an­noy­ing, but, un­like other songs de­signed to be an­noy­ing, it suc­ceeds in turn­ing me against it. It is the voices, I think.

94. “Li­nus and Lucy.” This makes me feel like I am on hold.

95. “Carol of the Bells.” Okay, here’s a thing I dis­like: songs that would be fine if they didn’t have words but in­stead we put words in them. This carol re­minds me of that time in the 1970s when they de­cided that all movie theme songs had to have lyrics, so the “God­fa­ther” theme got the words “Speak softly, love, so no one hears us but the sky!” ( Yeegh.) “Carol of the Bells” typ­i­fies the worst ex­cesses of this ap­proach: “Hark how the bells! Sweet sil­ver bells! All seem to say! Throw cares away!” And that is be­fore you even get to the ding-dongs.

96. “Sil­ver Bells.” I just don’t like songs with bells in them. I don’t like Christ­mas songs with ono­matopoeia of any kind. Just play the dang in­stru­ment; don’t have a hu­man be­ing sit­ting there go­ing RINGA-LING like a mo­ron.

97. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Rein­deer.” One of my chat­ters cor­rectly de­scribes this as a song about how dif­fer­ently abled peo­ple are bul­lied un­til the sys­tem finds a way to ex­ploit them for profit. The only good thing about this song is that Rudolph is a rein­deer with a peo­ple name, and all the other rein­deer have dog names. Prancer, Bl­itzen, Dancer!

98. “Santa Baby.” The pan­icky Michael Bublé ver­sion that ad­dresses Santa as “buddy” and “pally” and, even more con­fus­ingly, “poppy” has been richly and cor­rectly mocked. But here is my bone to pick with the orig­i­nal, es­pe­cially in 2018: Santa’s WHOLE CON­CEPT, as far as I can un­der­stand it, is that he will give you amaz­ing, won­der­ful gifts for NOTH­ING. Yet the singer in this song seems to be la­bor­ing un­der the delu­sion that to re­ceive el­e­gant presents, she has to sleep with him? Eartha, or who­ever else is cover­ing this, you don’t have to! This is Santa’s only job! If he told you this was part of the equa­tion, he was ly­ing!

99. “Do You Hear What I Hear?” A bet­ter name for this song would be “I As­sume You Can­not Hear Any­thing I Am Say­ing and so I Am Go­ing to Re­peat All the Words Twice.” This con­tains things that in an­other, bet­ter song, would be wel­come: A star! A star! A shep­herd boy! Rhetor­i­cal ques­tions! But the prob­lem with this song is the prob­lem that arises any time you are forced to re­peat some­thing you said be­cause some­one didn’t hear it prop­erly — namely, that you didn’t phrase the thing very well in the first place, and hav­ing to say it again just makes you more painfully aware of how awk­ward your word­ing was. “WITH A VOICE AS BIG AS THE SEA.” What? “WITH A VOICE AS BIG AS THE SEA,” you shout, re­gret­ting that you ever thought it was a good idea to in­tro­duce a sim­ile here.

100.“Lit­tle Drum­mer Boy.” My ha­tred for this song knows no bounds. I think it is be­cause the song takes ap­prox­i­mately 18 years to sing and does not rhyme. The con­cept of the song is bad. The ex­e­cu­tion of the song is bad. There is not even an ac­tual drum in the dang song, there is just some­one say­ing PA-RUM-PAPUM-PUM, which is, frankly, an­other ter­ri­ble ono­matopoeia and prob­a­bly is an in­sult to those flu­ent in Drum. I can­not stand it. Noth­ing will fix it, even the ap­pli­ca­tion of David Bowie to it. Ev­ery year I say, “I hate this song,” and ev­ery year peo­ple say, “Have you heard David Bowie’s ver­sion?” Yes. Yes, I have. It is still an abom­i­na­tion.

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