The Washington Post
Do you have a hot take about LeBron James? Because it’s almost certainly wrong.
Why does it seem as if the NBA Finals is a warmup for NBA free agency?
Why does the NBA these days — everybody talks about it, but nobody does anything about it — seem more like the weather?
Why does Couch Slouch ask these questions? Are readers expected to answer them?
Frankly, the NBA is all smoke and mirrors, endless retake news cycles about Kyrie Irving whining in Boston and Kawhi Leonard dreaming of milder weather and Kevin Durant needing to win a title sans the Warriors and Zion Williamson transforming the Pelicans and untold trade packages for Anthony Davis and, of course, the Knicks, who have so much cap room they are like a traveling AAU team.
And that is all before we even get to LeBron James and the Lakers.
I’m going to say this one time and one time only:
EVERYONE — I BEG OF YOU! — SHUT UP ABOUT LEBRON.
We have suffered through March Madness bracketologists and NFL draftniks. Now we get NBA LeBronologists and LeBroniks.
There is nonstop reporting on LeBron. Everybody talks LeBron, and nobody knows LeBron.
LeBron was spotted in a Malibu restaurant with Jimmy Butler!
LeBron is telling the Lakers he is unhappy with his offseason parking space!
LeBron tied his shoes this morning before going to Planet Fitness!
I’m surprised ESPNews is not replaced by ESPN LeBron, with Jim Gray hosting a 24-hour-a-day cycle of deep thoughts on LeBron’s deepest thoughts — as if anyone has an inkling.
Heck, I was driving behind LeBron on the 405 last week and had no idea which lane he was going to use. He ended up hopping into the HOV lane, and he had no passengers.
Expounding on LeBron is a now cottage industry. LeBron is the Apple of Sports Nation, and Apple is the LeBron of Wall Street.
Let me explain. Like other pundits, I am paid — though less than them — to explain.
Apple Inc. is one of the largest and most widely owned stocks in the world; the company is worth over $1 trillion. That being said, it is also the most highly reported on, covered and dissected stock around. So who exactly has a “unique” view on Apple? Nobody.
But those Wall Street talking heads come on daily and spew talking-head, hot-air hooey on TV.
(Column Intermission: James Holzhauer is dead to me. I propped him up twice in a month as a latter-day Herodotus, and he can’t even out-brainiac a 20something librarian on “Jeopardy!”)
Similarly, who has a “unique” view on LeBron? Nobody.
Yet there is a cattle-call cacophony of pretenders and poseurs babbling on incessantly with false insight into LeBron’s latest disposition.
Stephen A. Smith keeps looking into the camera to tell us he’s 80 percent sure that there’s a 50 percent chance something might happen.
LeBron’s family Taco Tuesday YouTube video, for goodness sakes, was deconstructed more than the Zapruder film.
Granted, LeBron is a special case as the NBA’s reigning superstar-sovereign-savior. He was apparently the only thing holding an entire conference together — he went west, and the East fell into the Atlantic Ocean.
So it’s round-the-clock LeBron with all of the chattering, prattling, blathering chowderheads on TV and radio.
I turned on SiriusXM the other afternoon and could have sworn the fella said LeBron might like bacon more than avocado, according to business associates who spoke on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the situation.
I actually live less than 10 miles from LeBron in Los Angeles, but I have no better perspective than anyone else. All I can say is this: Although I like the guy, I can’t wait until LeBron leaves town — he’s always got my table at Nobu. Ask The Slouch
Q. You were notably absent from the new book, “The Great American Sports Page: A Century of Classic Columns from Ring Lardner to Sally Jenkins,” as well as from the annual “Best American Sports Writing” anthology. I also cannot recall you ever winning any journalism or writing awards. Am I correct? (Geoff Carter; Seattle)
A. And your point is?
Q. To speed up the end of playoff games, should the NBA institute a Stephen Curry rule that allows the opposing coach, in the fourth quarter, to count his free throws as good (sort of like an intentional walk now in baseball), and let his team immediately inbound the basketball? (Rob Richardson; Yorktown, Va.)
A. I have forwarded your proposal to Adam Silver and Drake for their consideration.
Q. Can I get two checks and split the winnings with my wife, Nancy? (Michael Fisk; Spokane Valley, Wash.)
A. Yes, but we would have to see a copy of your marriage certificate, and you would have to pay for the extra check and decide who gets the extra penny.
Q. Will my $1.25 be greater than James Holzhauer’s winnings after the IRS and California’s tax man get done with him? (J.B. Koch; Macomb, Mich.)
A. Pay the man his tax-free 10 bits, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email firstname.lastname@example.org, and if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!