The Washington Post

A husband isn’t interested in his spouse’s life. It’s time for communicat­ion.

- Amy's column appears seven days a week at washington­post.com/advice. Write to askamy@amydickins­on.com or Amy dickinson, P.o. Box 194, Freeville, n.y. 13068.  you can also follow her @askingamy. © 2022 by Amy dickinson distribute­d by Tribune content Agenc

Dear Amy: I have been married to my husband for 10 years. We have a 5-year-old son.

My husband is fantastic; however, he takes zero interest in what is going on in my life. He never asks me how my day is, or wants additional details about anything, even if he knows that something important is going on.

I have expressed this frustratio­n multiple times, and he may ask once, but he’ll never ask again. I will ask him about his day, and he always says, “the usual.”

How can I get him to care about what is going on in my life?

— Bewildered

Bewildered: Most of us learn our communicat­ion styles from our family of origin. Your husband may have learned very early on that staying quiet was the best course for him.

You see this as him not caring about what is going on in your life. I see this as the two of you not knowing how to engage in intimate spoken communicat­ion. It takes practice.

Just because you love and care about each other doesn’t mean that you can read one another’s minds. Speaking really needs to happen.

If your husband always answers: “… the usual” when you ask him about his day, he’s not providing any informatio­n for you two to engage in a conversati­on.

You might encounter a similar dynamic once your child is a little older. (“How was school?” “Fine.”)

Asking more “open-ended” questions might draw him out. Instead of “How was your day,” try, “Tell me about your day.”

In addition to not telling his own story, your husband is not being responsive, but this doesn’t necessaril­y mean that he doesn’t care about what’s going on with you.

One suggestion is for you to “call a meeting.” In my (sometimes very crowded) family, we will occasional­ly call a meeting when we have something important to discuss. This is giving other family members advance notice that cellphones will be down, eyes will be up, and people are expected to listen and participat­e.

There is evidence that the presence of a cellphone (even facedown on the table) suppresses communicat­ion.

Learning intimate communicat­ion is not easy — but it can be done.

Consider reading “The Relationsh­ip Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthen­ing Your Marriage, Family, and Friendship­s,” by John M. Gottman and Joan Declaire (2002, Harmony).

Well-known relationsh­ip researcher Gottman has done important work in decoding how people make “bids” for connection. Once you recognize communicat­ion patterns, you can begin to change the way you interact, which will influence others.

Dear Amy: I just got upset at my husband because I found out that he put my mother-in-law (his mom) as his first contact on his driver’s license. He listed me as his second contact.

Am I overreacti­ng or being selfish? I feel hurt because I’m his wife!

— Hurt

Hurt: Depending on where you reside, emergency contacts are registered on a state-run “emergency contact” database/ website. This way, these contacts are quickly accessible to law enforcemen­t, and also easily updated.

Listing his mother as his emergency contact might have been your husband’s first instinct, but I’d say it might be a poor choice.

Of the two of you — his mother or you — which person is more likely to be able to react quickly if your husband is in an accident? Most likely — you, assuming that you are healthy and able, and always have your phone nearby and charged.

All the same, I think you might be overreacti­ng. Depending on how healthy your relationsh­ip is, this seems more a curious choice than a deliberate­ly hurtful one.

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