The Washington Post

Finding a formula for social success at scientist husband’s work conference­s

- Miss Manners Dear Miss Manners: © 2022, by Judith Martin

I sometimes find myself at an event where no one wants to talk to me.

My husband is a scientist, and at his conference­s and other work events, the other guests are usually only interested in talking to fellow scientists in their field. I was once sitting at a table in a bar, and the woman sitting next to me turned in her chair so that her back was to me and her front was to the person on the other side.

I understand that these people may have traveled a considerab­le distance and just want to gossip with their colleagues. But what can I do? I feel uncomforta­ble sitting by myself while the party goes on around me. I usually check my phone. Can I bring a book? Should I learn to knit, like the faculty wives in Miss Pym’s books?

I don’t want to ruin anyone’s fun by forcing them to talk to me. I avoid these situations when I can, but it’s not always possible.

Because you have been rudely and unfairly made to feel unwanted, Miss Manners is going to let you in on a secret: Far from being superfluou­s, you are the only indispensa­ble person in the room at these events.

You are not elbowing your way onstage at a lecture on quantum chromodyna­mics. You are at a social event after the lecture — an event that was scheduled because, after last year’s conference, someone took a survey, and the scientists all agreed that the conference would be improved by less shoptalk and more socializin­g. Except that, when dropped into a hotel ballroom with an open bar (or a bar, in any case), none of those same scientists could think of anything else to talk about.

If you are charming and interestin­g — and have almost anything to talk about that is not science — you will win converts. And if it bolsters your confidence, imagine these same scientists back in high school (a technique that works in almost any profession, even if it is particular­ly apt in your case).

Dear Miss Manners: I know Miss Manners does not approve of checks as gifts, but if one receives a check — say, for

Christmas — when should it be deposited? Is it okay to deposit it before the estimated arrival of a thank-you note, or should one wait a few days?

I don’t want to appear greedy, but by depositing the check immediatel­y (I have a mobile banking app), the giver can confirm that their gift arrived.

Write the thank-you letter first. Otherwise, you will be tempted to put it off.

But there may be another reason to delay depositing the check. There is no absolute etiquette requiremen­t that one wait for the actual birthday (for example) to open a present. But the patience demonstrat­ed by waiting for the event that motivated the gift is charming.

Miss Manners recommends the same treatment in your case: You can cash the check on Christmas Day. That it will be a bank holiday is irrelevant.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washington­post.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanner­s.com. You can also follow her @Realmissma­nners.

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