Poor Chuckie Schumer: Still known by two names

The Washington Times Weekly - - Commentary - BY CHARLES HURT

Po­lit­i­cal car­toon­ists from Vir­ginia to Cal­i­for­nia gorged them­selves last week on car­i­ca­tures of Pres­i­dent Trump as a fat, orange-haired gob­bler in need him­self of a par­don. But the truth is the only turkey in Wash­ing­ton these days is Chuck Schumer, still the lowly Se­nate mi­nor­ity leader after the much-bal­ly­hooed Great Blue Wave of 2018.

That would be the se­cond Great Blue Wave of re­cent years, after the Great Blue Wave of 2016. Too many more of these Great Blue Waves and Mr. Schumer is go­ing to find him­self out of a job en­tirely.

But the New York Demo­crat’s seem­ingly per­ma­nent fix­ture as mi­nor­ity leader is not what makes him such a turkey on the po­lit­i­cal scene.

Hav­ing fewer mem­bers in his cau­cus, one might think, could make Mr. Schumer’s job a lit­tle eas­ier to jug­gle. If be­ing Se­nate ma­jor­ity leader is some­thing akin to herd­ing cats, then be­ing Se­nate mi­nor­ity leader is like lead­ing a guer­rilla war­fare cam­paign from moun­tain­tops armed only with weapons that fire Jell-O shots on the en­emy be­low.

Sure, Mr. Schumer is lucky to have such a mo­bile force. But they are hardly a stealth crew: Just about ev­ery sin­gle one of them is run­ning for pres­i­dent. You have Spar­ta­cus, still tweak­ing from his per­for­mance as Caligula dur­ing the Brett Ka­vanaugh hear­ings. Also known as Sen. Cory Booker of New Jer­sey, Spar­ta­cus has been run­ning for pres­i­dent since even be­fore he ran the city of Ne­wark into the ground.

Spar­ta­cus’ main com­pe­ti­tion for the spot­light dur­ing the Ka­vanaugh hear­ings was Sen. Ka­mala Har­ris of Cal­i­for­nia. She, too, is run­ning for pres­i­dent. Sadly, as of dead­line for this col­umn, Ms. Har­ris loses out to Spar­ta­cus sim­ply be­cause she is not suf­fi­ciently fa­mous and ridicu­lous to be known by a one-word name.

Spar­ta­cus, The One and Madonna have all proved that global fame is not achieved un­til you are known by just one name. Some­thing tells me, how­ever, that if Ms. Har­ris stays in the game long enough, Pres­i­dent Trump will as­sign her that one-word name she so des­per­ately needs.

Just ask Poc­a­hon­tas. She is known by only one name. And she too is run­ning for pres­i­dent.

Also known as Sen. El­iz­a­beth War­ren, Poc­a­hon­tas is also known in some parts as Pinoc­chio after ge­netic test­ing re­vealed she is less In­dian than the av­er­age Amer­i­can white­face.

Sen. Kirsten Gil­li­brand of New York, per­haps the only U.S. sen­a­tor paler than Poc­a­hon­tas her­self, is also run­ning for pres­i­dent. Once a sen­si­ble cen­trist serv­ing in the U.S. House, Ms. Gil­li­brand has had to re­ally put her freak on in the U.S. Se­nate to get at­ten­tion.

Which is the whole prob­lem for her New York seat mate, Mr. Schumer. With all these crazy loons in his cau­cus run­ning for pres­i­dent from the Se­nate floor, Mr. Schumer will have a devil of a time just keep­ing enough of them in town and out of Iowa and New Hamp­shire to hold a vote.

Even more trou­bling is that since they are all run­ning for the Demo­cratic nom­i­na­tion, each and ev­ery one of them will be com­pet­ing with the en­tire field of can­di­dates to get no­ticed by com­ing up with the cra­zi­est, most left-wing, most stri­dently anti-Trump crack­pot pol­i­tics.

Be­fore it is all over with, Sen. Bernie Sanders, the Ver­mont so­cial­ist, will sound like the level-headed, sane one.

Hav­ing fewer mem­bers in his cau­cus, one might think, could make Mr. Schumer’s job a lit­tle eas­ier to jug­gle.

Con­tact Charles Hurt at [email protected]­ing­ton­times.com or on Twit­ter @charleshurt.

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