It must be true...

I read it in the tabloids

■■ A Florida man has been caught trying to self-isolate on a private island in Disney World. Richard McGuire, 42, insisted that he hadn’t seen the numerous “no trespassing signs” on the island, or heard the loudspeaker warnings from Disney officials who became aware of his presence. He also claimed to be “unaware” of the police helicopter that hovered overhead because he was asleep in an abandoned building on Discovery Island. When he was arrested, McGuire told police it felt as if he’d discovered a “tropical paradise.”

■■ A Florida lawyer has taken to patrolling the state’s beaches in a Grim Reaper costume to protest Gov. Ron DeSantis allowing them to be reopened. Daniel Uhlfelder, who advertises himself as a “seasoned attorney with 20 years of legal experience,” warned people they are endangering their lives— and the lives of others—by massing on Walton County beaches. Dressed in a black linen cloak and flip-flops and holding a scythe, he’s been heckled and called a jerk, but says his cause is just. “I wish I didn’t have to do this, but nobody else is,” Uhlfelder said.

■■ An “aggressive chicken” has laid siege to a bank in a Louisiana town. Police issued a warning urging residents to be on the lookout for “a reddish-tan chicken,” 18 inches tall and weighing 8 pounds, that had attacked cars at the drive-through and people standing at the ATM. The fowl, police said, was “wanted on charges of assault, attempted battery, attempted burglary, terrorizing, and ignoring an order of the governor.” The public was urged not to approach the chicken, which police noted has “a history of aggressive behavior.”