How do I respect someone I disagree with?
Editor’s note: Here’s a Relationship Coach column from the archives.
Dear Rebecca: We are living in a time where many of us feel divided and judged by others because of our own values or beliefs; e.g. being Republican vs. Democrat, vegan vs. meat-eating, or pro-war vs. nonwar. How can I still bring myself to respect or like someone particularly if they live in the same family or we are forced to work together when their way of choicemaking and living seems so destructive, harmful and selfish? Sincerely, Justin
Dear Justin: This is an important question and one I wish more people were asking. How do we show respect for people when their values and choices are so opposed to ours, and at times, seemingly destructive?
The answer to this question is found in one word: dignity. We are all born with five human birthrights. The right to exist, the right to have needs, the right to be separate and still belong, the right to take action, and the right to love and be loved.
Too often we do not see each other’s inherent dignity. Rather, when we look at someone we see a projection of who they are. We see who or what they’ve chosen to identify with. We see their family history, their religion, and politics, their education or socio-economic status. We see their imperfections and weakness, or their beauty and strength. We are seeing the image they present to the world, and if it doesn’t vibe with ours, we see a separation.
We also fall prey to the belief that we have to like or agree with someone in order to respect them. It is possible to completely disagree and even abhor someone’s choices or opinions, and still treat them with dignity. Meaning, you are differentiating who they identify as (their ego) and their core
value as a human being (their dignity).
Taking this a little deeper, as I love to do, your outer experience reflects your inner experience. If you are feeling divided and judged, it’s time to turn the mirror around and ask yourself, where am I being divisive and judgmental? Where am I not listening to what someone is trying to say? Where am I the one being judgmental? When you truly take down your defenses and make an effort to understand someone’s beliefs, you will find that you are not so separate. You may not agree with them, but you will see their humanity and realize that if nothing else, you share that.
When someone’s choices are truly destructive and harmful, your judgment of them is only going to fuel the separation and will not achieve positive change. When you are able to look deep into someone and see their dignity as a human being, possessing equal birthrights, they will feel seen and heard and you will create a bridge of communication where they will be much more open to seeing your perspective and possibly be influenced by you. When you honor someone’s dignity it invites them to recognize their own. You are holding someone to a higher version of themselves. If we were to each see our own, and correspondingly other’s worthiness, it would be the end of separation.
We each believe we are right. At the end of the day, we’re all seeking a feeling of belonging and safety. Think of all you used to identify with that is no longer part of you.
Remember things you used to think were true which now seem silly. That is to show that what we believe is not who we are.
Our beliefs change as we evolve. We are more than our beliefs.
So, dear Justin, seek to understand those opposed to you and choose to honor their dignity. In doing so, you are honoring your own. That is the true seat of power and from there, you can do your part to end destruction and harm.