Emotional fatigue in a relationship
A relationship challenge I’m seeing in many of my clients is emotional fatigue.
One partner is struggling with depression and anxiety, and the other feels overwhelmed with trying to be the emotional support and keep the other partner afloat. There’s frustration with their partner’s unwillingness to take action or get help. They’re weary of the seemingly endless cycle of negativity. They come to me for support and when I ask what they need, without fail, the reply is, “I need my partner to feel better.”
This certainly seems like a logical solution. If their partner would just stop being such a downer, everything would be fine. We fall into the trap of thinking we need the people around us to be OK in order for us to feel OK. If that were a viable solution, I’d be all for it. If there was a strategy for fixing someone else’s emotions, I’d be the first to recommend it. Unfortunately, when we believe we need others to feel better so that we can feel better, we are only setting ourselves up for frustration. We become manipulative and controlling under the guise of caring. We grow impatient, believing things should be different than they are.
I’m not suggesting it’s not difficult to live with someone who is negative. I’m also not suggesting that wanting our loved ones to feel better is wrong. What I am offering is that it’s possible to be a loving partner and not feel frustrated and depleted.
One way is to release control. You’re not responsible for your partner’s emotional well-being. There’s a fine line between caring and carrying. When you take on the burden of someone else’s happiness, you feel weighed down and defeated. We can be supportive, loving and connected without feeling like we have to solve the issue. We can be with someone in their pain without being consumed by it. When we’re taking on the responsibility of making someone better, of course we’re going to feel frustrated with them. We need them to get well quickly so that we can stop carrying such a heavy load.
Another way to be supportive without becoming entangled is to validate. Validation is finding the truth in someone’s experience and reflecting it back to them. We inadvertently invalidate someone’s feelings by rushing to a solution. We want them to see things from our perspective because clearly, if they did, they wouldn’t feel so bad. It’s difficult to validate a negative emotion for someone when we have an attachment to them feeling better. You’ll be amazed at the relief in your loved one when you simply reflect back their perspective without adding your judgments or opinions. You’ll be amazed at the relief you feel when you relieve yourself of the responsibility of fixing their problem.
It’s challenging to share life with someone who is unable to find hope or motivation to change. It can sometimes feel like the wind gets taken out of our sails when we share our own happiness or wins. However, the disappointment we may feel comes from the thoughts we have about our partner’s reaction. Thoughts such as “Why can’t they just be happy for me?” lead to feeling resentful or frustrated. When someone is dealing with emotional suffering, expecting them to feel happy is like going to the hardware store to buy milk. This doesn’t mean we keep our excitement or good news to ourselves, it just means we manage our expectations of the reaction.
The only person’s emotions you are responsible for are your own. You may need to establish some boundaries for yourself to be able to maintain your own well-being to best be able to support the person you love who is struggling. But you will be in a far better position to partner with them in getting help when you are no longer attaching your own happiness to theirs.