Even with sobriety, alcohol dominates couple’s marriage

DEAR AMY >> From the day we met, over 40 years ago, my wife and I have been social drinkers.

Get-togethers at weddings, holidays, concerts, sporting events, etc., have always featured alcohol.

While I can have a couple of drinks and stop, when it comes to my wife, not so much.

She will keep ordering drinks right up to 2 a.m. And while sometimes stupidly funny when we were younger, as we’ve aged the end results were becoming frequently embarrassing.

I was becoming very concerned about my wife’s drinking and her health.

One night when she went way over the edge, I filmed her, sent the video to her, and told her that I no longer wished to be a part of that lifestyle.

I dumped all the alcohol in the house, and neither of us has had a drink since.

I hardly miss it, and she had no trouble quitting, either, but mentally it has been very challenging for her.

Alcohol was her social lubricant. Alcohol is what allowed her to get past her social anxiety and self-esteem issues.

Now she either doesn’t attend events at all, or sometimes we leave early because she is so unhappy.

How do I get her to see that she can still enjoy these same events without using alcohol as a crutch?

DEAR SOBER >> Your wife has managed to give up alcohol, but she has not successfully dealt with the underlying reasons she used alcohol in the first place.

In recovery and 12-step circles, her challenges might be called “dry drunk syndrome.” Her crutch is gone, and now she is limping along, trying to function without it.

Even though your wife gave up drinking quickly, prompted by the videotaped shame of seeing what alcohol abuse was doing to her (and propped up by your subsequent sober support), she would still benefit from seeing an addiction specialist, a therapist, and/or by attending meetings with others in recovery.

Spending time regularly talking with others who also struggle to “white knuckle” their way into and through recovery might help her to understand her anxious responses, and to feel less alone.

I hope you’ll be patient and supportive as your wife continues in the life-changing process of recovery.