Spouse sees the worst, waits for better

DEAR AMY >> I am 54 years old and have been married to my (second) husband for 25 years.

My husband drinks at least six or more beers every evening. He gets up by 6 a.m. and goes to work and will work all day without any issues (to my knowledge).

He does, however, start drinking by 4:30 or 5 p.m. and will drink until he goes to bed (between 9 to 10 p.m.).

I have asked him to stop, and he flat-out said no. I asked him to cut back. He did for a while but now is drinking every evening again.

I have an extremely long work commute, so I go to bed early and get up by 4:30 a.m.

We have not been intimate or even cuddled in years. I have told him this bothers me, but he says it’s all my fault. I love him so much and he still gives me butterflies (I’ve told him this).

Nothing — and I mean nothing — has worked.

I can’t imagine my life without him, but I also can’t live my life like this.

Is this selfish? I mean, we did say “for better or for worse.”

I just need someone to spell it out, even if it is not what I want to hear.

DEAR MISERABLE >> If your husband’s alcohol use is a primary control issue between the two of you, then the only thing I need to spell out for you is: Alanon. Attending meetings and reading literature regarding the choices you have surrounding your husband’s drinking would help to recast your perspective and alter your behavior (not his).

You two are ships passing in the night during your work weeks — only intersecting for relatively brief times in the evening, when he is engaging in drinking behavior, which you both know is a trigger for you.

I believe the “for better or for worse” part of the marriage vows is not meant to consign spouses for a lifetime in a miserable union where neither party is thriving, happy, healthy, or motivated toward positive change.

What greater good is served by you remaining in a marriage mired in anger and disrespect?

If you can’t live your life like this, then I don’t think you should.