Your mom (part 2 of 2)
In last week's column, I talked about our relationship with our mothers. In particular, difficult relationships. I have a belief that the mother relationship is one of the most complex of all relationships, and the health of that relationship can have a great impact on our sense of well-being.
When you have a strained relationship with your mom, or what feels like no relationship at all, if you haven't done the work to accept and forgive, it can give that relationship more power in your life than you may want.
Acceptance is simply letting go of the thoughts that the relationship should have been any different than it is. Acceptance is also letting go of any thoughts that Mom should be any different than she is. No matter how right we feel, or how much we want it, we simply cannot change what has already happened, and we certainly cannot change another human being.
When we make peace with that and we can move into forgiveness, we will experience feelings of empowerment and liberation.
Forgiveness is also simply a letting-go. It is choosing to no longer relive past hurts or shortcomings. It is no longer giving someone power over you to dictate how you feel.
Forgiveness does NOT mean we have to place ourselves in a position of being hurt again.
But when you've forgiven someone, you move forward in a relationship with firm and loving boundaries in place, as opposed to being at war with someone and constantly in defense or attack mode.
Boundaries allow you to remain in a state of love and acceptance. Another way of looking at boundaries is defining exactly what you are and are not responsible for. You are responsible for how you choose to act in a relationship, and how you let people treat you. You are not responsible for how the other person feels or responds. When you are experiencing a lot of guilt and obligation, it's likely a boundary issue. Boundaries are not designed to change the other person; boundaries are to protect you emotionally and physically.
Part of what makes the mother relationship so volatile is we often feel powerless. We feel as if we have no choice but to tolerate treatment that doesn't feel good. When you practice acceptance, forgiveness and setting healthy boundaries, it's a way to feel empowered.
The push-and-pull and constant conflict enters in when we keep expecting Mom to be different than she is (not accepting) and when she shows up the same as always, it triggers years' worth of negative emotions (because we have not let go of the past through forgiveness), and we resent her presence in our lives and the fact that we can't stand up for ourselves without feeling guilty (because we have no boundaries).
Add into that the complexity of the fact that most of us truly love our mothers and want and need them in our lives.
There is a way to make space for our mothers in our lives while also maintaining our emotional health and sanity. When we go through the process of acceptance, forgiveness and establishing strong boundaries, we build the landscape to love our mothers unconditionally. We can enjoy them for who they are, even if who they are is not someone we would ever want to be. When we let go of our unmet expectations, past wounds, and our own guilt and unhealthy sense of obligation, we are liberated to just love, without needing a single thing in return.
This process can be applied even if our mothers have passed and we are still holding onto pain.
It is painful to be in conflict with the person who gave us life. While the path of acceptance, forgiveness and boundaries might be challenging, it is well worth the reward of a liberated heart.
If you have questions you would like answered in this article, or would like to inquire about coaching please submit to rebecca@rebeccastarkcoaching.com.