When the welcome mat becomes a doormat
DEAR AMY >> I’m a 53-year-old woman. Because of a stressful job I’ve had for the last 20 years, I have some friends, but making new ones can be a struggle when I’ve had to work 14- to 17-hour days.
More recently, I’ve tried to reach out to two women I’ve known for a while. Sadly, they both have kept their distance - one actually waited until the day after I asked her to lunch, apologizing for “missing my text.” I finally decided that I needed to change my lifestyle, sold my old house and am buying a small place in a very sunny popular tourist town I’ve always loved.
My friends have been congratulatory and supportive, including the two women who have been brushing me off.
They’ve both reached out (separately, they’re not friends with one another) with sincere questions about when I can host them and their families for a visit.
Neither of these women are making any effort to say goodbye before I leave town. They have only expressed excitement to visit me 1,800 miles away.
I’m fine leaving these people behind, but since one of them (the same one who blew off my text) has now actually sent me dates for her future visit to my condo, I’m at a loss of how to respond.
I told her I’m buying a one-bedroom place and that I don’t think that she, her husband and children will be comfortable sleeping on my couch (together), but she assured me that they’ll “make-do.”
Should I just ignore her text messages, like she did mine? I don’t want to be a doormat, and don’t want to cause friction.
Is there a response that will be both finite, yet not “rude?”
— Resentful Future Hostess
DEAR RESENTFUL >> This one woman’s gall is quite extraordinary (she should bottle that moxie!). You could ghost her, but I fear that might somehow translate to her showing up at your doorstep with her husband and kids.
Answer her next self-invitation text: “Oops — I’m so sorry I haven’t been clear enough. I will not be hosting you and your family in my new home at any point. It’s just not possible.”
After that you can ghost, block, ignore, unfriend. Enjoy your new life, find a few names of guest houses in your new town, and if people invite themselves to visit, you can send them a list of places to stay.