The problem with positive thinking

I just want to think positively and not get stressed out about things. This is a common goal I hear during initial coaching sessions. Although thinking positively can be helpful, there are pitfalls with purely positive thinking.

I worked with a client who was experiencing several challenges all at once: changing her job, moving to a new city and ending a relationship. She was frustrated with herself that she couldn’t think and feel positively, and she was tired of feeling stressed out. Our culture tends to tout positive thinking as the only good way to navigate life. “Think positively” is typical, wellintended advice from loved ones. However, life will inevitably throw stressful situations our way, and we will all be required to navigate challenging chapters. To only allow positive thinking at all times is to suppress half of our human emotions and experiences.

There are two important parts here. First, as an individual, striving for only positive thinking can lead to dismissing, invalidating or suppressing challenging emotions rather than paying attention to the messages they are sending us and allowing the emotions to be expressed or processed. Not allowing challenging emotions (and instead holding the stress in the body) can eventually create negative outcomes such as depression, anxiety, reactivity or physical ailments.

Secondly, there can be a lack of safety to be authentic when positive thinking is the accepted ideal. Have you ever felt the need to censor yourself or put a silver lining on a hard situation you were going through? This social norm, though well-meaning, creates a hard-to-bridge gap in connecting deeply and authentically with others. The pressure to present ourselves as strong, capable and positive, no matter what, can get in the way of receiving support and help during difficult times. The truth is — we all need and deserve support and help sometimes, and we get through hard times better when we are willing to receive it.

I like to share an analogy when talking about challenging thoughts and emotions. Imagine you are in a pool, and you are holding a big beach ball. The beach ball represents your challenging thoughts and emotions. When we are committed to keeping them under the surface and putting a happy face on, it’s like trying to keep that big beach ball under the water. It takes a lot of energy and focus, and eventually, it erupts to the surface when we don’t expect it. It also takes away from our enjoyment and ability to be present at the pool party! It’s hard work to constantly fight with our thoughts and feelings.

So, what can we do instead? The first is to consider that challenging emotions are not bad. They show up for a reason and often give us important information about our situation. The client I mentioned earlier was feeling sad, lonely and anxious. When we explored what those emotions might be pointing to, she was able to see that sadness was there because she was in the process letting go of her former home, job and relationship; loneliness was there because her value of connection and friendship was needing attention in her new location and anxiety was showing up, because it mattered to her to show up well in her new job and company. Once she allowed her “beach ball” to come up to the surface and understood her thoughts and emotions, the intensity had decreased, and she felt better.

Finally, I want to assert that balanced thinking is a much more effective ideal than positive thinking. This might look like reminding ourselves of the positives when our mind wants to dwell in the negative but still allowing all sides to be present. Or, it could mean shooting for a more neutral point of view by focusing on the facts, instead of our interpretations of the facts.

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Tiffany Skidmore is a mental health and life coach who specializes in anxiety. Email your questions and feedback to tiffany@tiffanyskidmore. com or submit them anonymously at tinyurl.com/thelifecoach. Visit tiffskidmore.com to learn more about Tiffany and her work.