Reunification should be in small stages

DEAR AMY » I have not seen my mother in four years. She is an alcoholic, and she had long refused to get sober.

My mother has alienated the entire family and has never met her 2-year-old grandson.

Recently, I started to communicate with her via email. I believe that she is sober as a result of some medical conditions that have forced her to stop drinking. They are not terminal conditions, but I think that she is finally not drinking.

What would be the best way to bring her back into our lives? What do we talk about?

I have lots of resentment from her ignoring and blaming everyone for the last seven years, however, I am ready for her to be part of our family and to finally meet her grandson.

DEAR WAITING » You would be wise to take this reunification in small and manageable stages. You should progress from email to a phone call to see how that goes (some people do well communicating via written exchange, but don’t do as well verbally, when they can’t control and edit their contact).

You should then see if she would meet you in person, preferably with just the two of you. Yes, this could end up being one of those awkward highway exit diner lunches where nobody really knows what to say, but bring photos and videos to share with her, and keep your expectations reasonable.

Is your mother really sober, or is she just not currently drinking? There is a difference. Sobriety requires an embrace and a daily determination to live a sober life, and address all the challenges sobriety entails, including a willingness to face some emotional consequences, try to repair relationships, and take responsibility for her choices. Your mother needs to be ready and able to try.

If she is not currently using alcohol but hasn’t attempted to confront the factors that contributed to her addiction, then it will be as if she has just put her drinking on hold, and the underlying challenges will still be there.

Reunification requires a degree of emotional bravery from both of you, and you deserve credit for your willingness to go there.

Your journey through the minefield of addiction would be made easier if you (and other family members) attended Alanon or other “friends and family” support meetings (Al-anon.org). I cannot overstate the importance of connecting with others in this way.