Changing people’s reaction to cancer

DEAR AMY » I am writing in hopes that I can help people in cancer treatment to deal with a strange phenomenon involving how others react to this disease.

I have been in treatment for close to a year for an incurable cancer.

Often, when people hear of my diagnosis, a large percentage of people, whether I know them well or not (ranging from dental assistants to close friends), will muse out loud about someone else in their lives who struggled with this same cancer — and died from it.

Very often, they want to tell the details about the suffering leading up to death.

Just this morning I was out walking in my neighborhood when a neighbor joined me to let me know she had heard of my diagnosis and shared that her best friend’s father died of the same condition and how hard it had been on the family.

Amy, I don’t think people mean to be hurtful or insensitive, but they are not thinking before they speak.

Many of their stories are extremely frightening and I’m dealing with my own fears of death. I have come up with my own “line,” which involves interrupting them as they are getting going with details to say: “That sounds very painful. As you can imagine, this is a difficult time and it’s very hard for me to absorb those stories.”

Every time I say it, the person speaking wakes up as if from a trance and says something like, “Oh, of course, I’m so sorry,” and we end with me hoping they won’t do that to others with cancer.

I’m hoping if you publish this it will help people to be more thoughtful.

DEAR TRYING » Thank you so much for outlining a common response to illness or grief, which seems to flow from an impulse to fill the silent, awkward or painful spaces with a relatable episode or anecdote.

Your response to this is perfect, and you are helping many others to avoid similarly painful situations by sharing your own story.

Thank you. I wish you the very best.

DEAR AMY » The question from “Worried” detailed how upset she was because a guy she had gone on 10 dates with wouldn’t have sex with her!

What about waiting? What about morals?

Some people still have them, and I’m disappointed with you for agreeing with her.

DEAR DISAPPOINTED » Morals are still important, and when it comes to sex, talking about morals is vital.