Friend­ship breakup con­tin­ues to wound

Times-Herald (Vallejo) - - YOUR DAILY BREAK - Amy Dick­in­son — Per­plexed — Se­nior, Safe Driver

DEAR AMY » I have been strug­gling to com­pre­hend the breakup of a friend­ship. A friend of over 20 years wiped me out of her life. I think the rea­son why is be­cause — years af­ter her hus­band left her, she didn’t seem to be mov­ing on. I of­fered my un­so­licited ad­vice, which was to stop be­ing the vic­tim and to look out­side of her­self.

My guess is that she felt I was judg­ing her when, in fact, I was sin­cerely try­ing to help her. It seemed we made up af­ter that, but then when I needed her, she didn’t show up for me.

I think she’d made up her mind that the friend­ship wasn’t good for her. I didn’t re­act well to that and she shut me out of all so­cial me­dia and would not re­spond to me. I was hurt and con­fused be­cause I thought that good friends could work through any­thing.

I wish she would have given me the ben­e­fit of the doubt — some­times we do or say stupid things — but her treat­ment seemed overly harsh, which makes me think there were other is­sues that I wasn’t aware of. (Maybe jeal­ousy?) I’d love to have clo­sure and em­brace the les­son here, but reach­ing out again is out of the ques­tion. Can you pro­vide some in­sight?

DEAR PER­PLEXED » It sounds as if (de­spite your good in­ten­tions) you’ve been both judg­men­tal and harsh to­ward this friend. You don’t note that you’ve ever apol­o­gized for your own words or ac­tions, only that you wanted to be granted the ben­e­fit of the doubt for do­ing and say­ing stupid things.

The les­son here is to al­ways do your best to treat oth­ers the way you would like to be treated. When you let oth­ers down — ad­mit, apol­o­gize and ask for for­give­ness.

Friend­ships are cre­ated be­tween hu­man be­ings, and we hu­mans are be­set by fault and frailty. Good friends can­not al­ways work through ev­ery­thing, be­cause that process re­quires that both peo­ple be strong, hon­est and mo­ti­vated.

When re­la­tion­ships fall apart, it helps to take re­spon­si­bil­ity for your own neg­a­tive ac­tions and strive to do bet­ter next time. For­giv­ing your­self is also part of this process. That’s when you might feel clo­sure.

DEAR AMY » “Con­cerned Friend,” was up­set when her friend moved into se­nior hous­ing and was forced by her daugh­ter to sur­ren­der her car.

I’d like to em­pha­size that many of us who live in se­nior hous­ing drive, and drive safely!

DEAR DRIVER » Fam­ily mem­bers some­times ac­cel­er­ate the “no driv­ing” de­ci­sion out of an over­abun­dance of con­cern and con­trol.

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