Single mom worries about gift imbalance

DEAR AMY » My exhusband, “T,” and I have a 12-year-old son, “James.”

One reason we got divorced is because T would not contribute financially. He feels entitled and expects others to take care of him and/or bail him out. I pay him child support.

On Christmas Eve, T takes James to visit his side of the family, where they give James presents. It’s supposed to be an exchange, but T doesn’t bring anything for

James to give to his cousins. James just collects gifts.

When we were married, I bought the gifts for the cousins, but now that we’re divorced, T brings James, always empty-handed.

He doesn’t even take a bottle of wine for the host. I feel this sends a message of entitlement and inconsideration to James, which is how T operates in the world.

James is a sensitive kid and might soon realize the imbalance in the gift-giving. He only sees his cousins once a year, so there is no other opportunity to show generosity to them.

How should I handle this? Should I buy presents for James to take to his cousins? I don’t want them to think the presents are from T, who would be fine taking the credit.

Should James use his allowance to buy his cousins gifts? I want to show him that taking without giving is not a moral value.

— James’ Mom

DEAR MOM » You should ask your son, “When you see your cousins this year, wouldn’t you like to bring some gifts for them?”

Ask him to sit down with you, make a list, note the ages, and brainstorm about affordable gifts these cousins might like.

Yes, I do believe that “James” should at least help to pay for these gifts. He will feel better if he does. (Some of my most memorable gifts from young relatives have come from the Dollar Store.) James might even find something (a dish towel, or a mug) for the hosts.

You seem to understand and care about what it does to a person’s self-esteem when they receive — but never give. Your ex obviously doesn’t understand this, and doesn’t care.

Helping your son to understand and adopt YOUR values is your job.

Don’t worry about whether “T” will take credit for this. Your son is old enough to distinguish between the parent who cares about others, and the parent who only cares about himself. Your work behind the scenes will be your quiet good deed this Christmas.