Mom trying to get in-law to love her
DEAR AMY » I am a firsttime mother-in-law.
We are a close family. We have always kept in touch with one another on a regular basis, even after the kids left home.
My son and new daughter-in-law live about 90 minutes away.
My daughter-in-law seems content to keep contact to a minimum. This includes discussing/ celebrating important events — both happy and sad.
For example,
I am going through a difficult separation from my husband. I have told my daughter-in-law that it would mean a lot to me to hear from her, to know that she is concerned about me.
When I expressed my feelings to her, she claimed I was telling her “how” to love me. I told her that a loving family should be able to express their needs to each other.
I was not allowed a mother/son dance at their wedding because she lost her father and I was told it would be too difficult for her to watch us dance.
They are now expecting their first child, and my son called to tell me the baby will be born with a heart defect and will need surgery at some point.
He asked me to wait a day before calling her.
I called her and left a message. She didn’t return the call or text me.
I don’t understand why she keeps me at arm’s length.
She knows I hold them close to my heart. She is not close to her mother. They rarely speak, and she has said this is fine with both of them, but I am not that kind of mom! How can I bring her closer to me?
— Heartbroken Mom
DEAR HEARTBROKEN » First, you need to figure out how to be less heartbroken, and more patient and understanding toward a young woman who might not know how to be intimate in the way that you are intimate.
It is inappropriate for you to share details of your separation from your husband with this new family member, and to ask for (or expect) her emotional support. Presumably, the husband you are separated from is her new father-in-law. Your emotional needs feel like a demand; this puts a lot of pressure on her.
She has no father and a distant relationship with her mother.
You should not tell her how to love you. Instead, you should show her how a patient, compassionate, loving and good-humored mother behaves.
You should not expect a call back from an anxious, pregnant daughterin-law with a frightening diagnosis who has already admitted that she doesn’t always know how to behave.
Approach her with the goal to build a friendship. Don’t pressure her to be a daughter to you. She’s not ready!
Your DIL needs to be able to trust that you won’t overreact or transfigure her dramas into yours. This requires that you both learn to behave differently.