Times-Herald (Vallejo)

Student no longer wants casual sex

- Amy Dickinson — Young, Confused, on Edge

DEAR AMY » Everyone claims that college is the best four years of your life. My friends always pressure me by saying that I only have a limited opportunit­y to go wild and have fun.

Recently, I have been having a lot of one-night stands and really casual sex.

The moment I realized how damaging this was for me was this past weekend where I hooked up with a guy who I thought was super-cute and honestly would like to get to know better.

The next day a group of us (including him) hung out. I pretended not to care about him. He was flirting with some of my friends (and other girls), so I decided to flirt with one of his friends.

I don’t even know him that well, but I was avoiding how I was really feeling by flirting with his friend.

Why do I keep doing this and how do I stop? In this world where double standards are such a thing, I try to be the bigger person to pretend that I don’t care, but I do.

I was truly upset when the guy I hooked up with was talking to one of my friends and I got jealous.

DEAR CONFUSED » First this: The same subset of people who claim high school is the most awesome time of life also claim that college is your last chance to “be wild,” etc.

As a relatively ancient person, I’m here to tell you that no phase of life has a lock on awesome. And the experience of wild abandon is most wonderful when you are mature enough to treasure — down to your cells — the true joy of feeling your own “aliveness.”

Other reasons why people look back on the college years with such fondness involve the challenges of diving into your intellect, growing up alongside a diverse group of people, arguing over the great realm of ideas, exploring your spirituali­ty, learning how to live authentica­lly — and yes, also having sexual experience­s.

As a young woman, you have the right (and the duty) to claim your own power, and I want to congratula­te you, because what you are going through right now means that you are growing! Growth equals change.

Pretending you don’t care about someone is not being “the bigger person.” Jealousy is a natural human emotion. Learning to love yourself means that you will treasure your own complex emotions, and you won’t beat yourself up for feeling your feelings.

An evolving person who has overindulg­ed

(on drink, drugs, food, sex) will have the dawning realizatio­n: “Hmmm, this isn’t working for me anymore.” And that person will then explore behavior, examine motivation, and choose to live differentl­y.

This is your time.

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